Why are Thai men generally not interested in relationships with foreign women? And why don’t western women care much about Thai men?
After all Thailand is known for cross-cultural relationships and men come here by the tens of thousands to find female Thai partners. Why is this largely a one way street? Why do you rarely see Thai men with western women?
Who follows whom in the relationship?
Thais are shy people compared to most westerners. Culturally it is not acceptable to show strong emotion, get angry, yell at people, confront someone head-on, or have an intense argument.
On top of that in many Asian cultures the woman traditionally follows the man much more compared to the total equality concept that is prevalent in the west. And here we have a major sticking point.
Western women have no intention of merely following a Thai man, they have no qualms about speaking their mind, and they mostly insist on a good deal of independence, free thinking and freedom of choices.
All this is so much opposed to the Thai relationship model, and it would make most Thai men feel uncomfortable or even threatened.
No cheating allowed – period!
Thai men often have second wives and/or regular affairs with sexual partners. Although Thai women do not like that, they often put up with it. Western women would never tolerate such behavior. Many Thai men would feel that their lifestyle is too much restricted by a relationship with a western woman.
Who is the prettiest of them all?
A third reason is that generally Thai men do not find western women as attractive as Thai women. It is not common that Thai men stare at western women or pursue them or harass them in any way.
There are exceptions, like in major tourist or beach areas where foreign women easily come into contact with the Thais. But in general western women are rarely harassed or pursued or even sought out by Thai men.
This is not the case everywhere in Asia. In India for example women often experience unwelcome advances, and in Bali you typically see relationships between Balinese men and western women which are very actively initiated by Balinese men.
Kid in candy shop or relationship desert
There are Thai man/western woman relationships, but they are a tiny percentage compared to western man/Thai woman relationships. What all this means is that western men are like a kid in a candy shop in Thailand in the relationship arena.
Western women however are often limited to relationships with other westerners, so their available choices are much fewer than for their male western counterparts. Rather than being in a candy shop they often feel that they are in a relationship desert in Thailand.
Again there are exceptions to this scenario. For example in major tourist and beach areas young and attractive western women can be pursued by Thai men. However the motivation can often be that the Thai men regard women in beach attire as easily available.
The actual scenario
Let’s have a look at a fairly typical relationship between a western man and a Thai woman. The man has more money and supports his wife. Often he takes her to his home country and she has to adjust to a new culture.
Because of her dependence on him for financial support and her challenge to adjust to a new environment in the west she relies on him for advice, education, integration, and her new way of life. She is happy to follow him since he is her life support in a strange new environment.
Exchange the roles, and it breaks down
Now take that same story, but exchange the sexes. Reread that story but imagine that there is a western woman who has a Thai husband. It it blatantly obvious that this would never work. It totally flies in the face of male psychology and ego. The whole concept is just unthinkable from a Thai man’s point of view.
Feminine and sweet despite equality
Thai women legally have equal rights and enjoy more freedom than in many oriental cultures. There was never a women’s liberation movement in Thailand, and men generally do not feel challenged by women.
Despite their legal equality, Thai women have an amazing talent of being feminine, of retaining a female sweetness. They do not feel obligated to compete with men on their turf by wearing male looking business suits and ties and going head-to-head with their male co-workers. Rather than hiding their femininity, Thai women like to display it.
Because of those characteristics it feels natural for Thai women to adjust to their western partners and even sometimes follow them to another country. But the other way round this is not working at all.
A Thai man, who is generally more shy than western men, but who is nevertheless endowed with a typical male ego, in a relationship with a self confident and assertive, educated and financially independent western woman – it is mostly not a workable concept, and it rarely happens. This especially applies to Thai men from lower to middle class social environments.
If the Thai man is well educated, financially well off, and from a higher social environment, then a relationship with a western woman might have a better chance. However few Thai men with such characteristics are looking for western female relationships. They are also not generally found in major tourist and beach areas, mingling with the tourists.
Not all relationships in Thailand are made in heaven
The relationship scene in Thailand is definitely somewhat one-sided. This does not mean that women do not enjoy Thailand, but they are less likely to find a lover or husband here, and in most cases they would not want to.
There are countless thousands of men who come here to find a partner or wife, but I am fairly certain that there is not a single woman who comes here looking for relationship heaven. Thai men and western women are just a much more difficult combination than the other way around.
I am of course aware that there are exceptions to my statements above. However after living in Thailand for almost two decades, I am certain that my observations hold true for the majority.
Besides, these are not just my opinions. I have interviewed many Thais and westerners in order to get a good idea what they are thinking about this subject. Not everyone’s experience will fall into the general category which I described in this article, but it does hold true for the majority.
Click Here to read the next article in the relationship series
Previous articles in the relationship series:
Relationships in Thailand Part 1
Relationships in Thailand Part 2
Relationships in Thailand Part 3
Relationships in Thailand Part 4
Relationships in Thailand Part 5
Relationships in Thailand Part 6
The author, Shama Kern, has been living in Thailand for well over a decade. His wife is Thai and they have created a successful cross cultural relationship. You can reach Shama at shama@shamakern.com
Hello,
Thai women have equal rights ‘de jure’ not ‘de facto’ and there still is one major discrimination which, by the way many men complain about and would solve a lot of ‘ visa issue’ , and is that by law Thai women do not give citizenship and from the perspective of equality it is one of the major flaw in the equality agenda.
Thailand is a male oriented society with men in most Leadership positions in the business and the government sector. yes there are women in politics but not at strategic levels. There still is a long road to equalty in thailand as in many neighbouring countries. But yes agreed that in some ways it looks in apparence more free-will based than in Cambodia or other neighbouring countries. However Vietnam has better indicators than Thailand in this respect and considering that that country is also a ‘marriage heaven’ for men, it is interesting to note that there are western women with vietnamese men.
Your analysis is quite journalistic and humouristic and I like your straightforwardness .
Chock Dee
Isabella, you made some very valid points here. As always you are contributing very constructively.
Hi,
This sounds very accurate yet very opinionated. Would it be possible if women do care and love to be with their Thai man? I met a few who got married to Thai man and stayed in Thailand (possibly moved out of Thailand together). I, myself, am in love with my Thai man. I guess it makes it similar in ways. I’m Thai, Chinese, and Vietnamese born in America. I met my love in Thailand volunteering for my internship. We plan on creating a future. It’s quite tough but I want to make it happen and it’s gradually coming along.
Please reply.
-Darline
Hi Darline, certainly there are exceptions to general observations. I also know some western women who married Thai men. They are a very small percentage compared to the Thai-woman/western-man relationship, but certainly anything is possible. It seems that you have found a good relationship in the tiny percentage group – good for you. I wish you many years of happiness together!
In general, the white women you see in BKK cant compete with thai women. Genetically white women have more testosterone than asian women and therefore look less feminine compared to very feminine asian women. Add in many of the fuked up feminist beliefs of western women and you are left asking yourself why would I go with them when there are countless beautiful, very feminine Asian women all around me.
Its especially comical when you see the fat white women. Its sad really.
There are a lot of beautiful and sexy white women but in general I would say Asian women take better care of themselves and beat them hands down in the sexy feminine category.
This post really offends me this gets me boiling mad lol I’m Thai I was born inland raid in Texas I hope this doesn’t apply too me Thai guys can get any women they desire especially white women !!??
Oh, Thai guys can get any woman they desire? Didn’t you forget to ask the women about this? Don’t they have some say in this? We don’t live in a world anymore where a guy can “get any woman he wants”. This is the age of equality where a woman has to agree first LOL. I think this applies to Texas as well last time I checked. 🙂
Well all I’m saying that is in this world it’s not just about WMAF “white man asian women ”
It’s also bout AMWF couples out there and this group is getting stronger I follow that group on Facebook idk, plus I’m not small for a Thai guy I’m very built and muscular for one because I grew up with Texan food idk it’s my life I can go after any Latina or white girl i want the sky is the limit ?? ??
(Part 2)
Forgot to mention, what if Western woman don’t care and decide to have a relationship with their Thai man. I think it would be possible for them to work together as a team especially if they plan on having children. If the woman is financially supportful and doesn’t care how they’re treated or judged, than it could be possible. I would make anything possible for my love to stay with me – in America or Thailand. It doesn’t matter anyway because I AM FORTUNATE and I treasure him very much. I have met too many men who doesn’t seem to match with me while mine is very “homely”.
(Keep in mind, the man I met is Akha villager. He’s not particularly Thai. He’s my Akha Man.)
Thankx,
Darline
Darline, my article describes what is happening most of the time in Thailand. Your situation falls outside of the “typical” scenario. Of course it is possible to make it work – even if you were the only one on the planet in such a relationship, it would still be possible to make it work. And you certainly have my best wishes!
Hello,
My name is Kumroon Maksirisombat, Ph.D. I am a Thai citizen, as I was born and raised in Thailand. I married my American wife for 36 years and we have two wonderful adult children together. I believed in any marriages, we must trust each other and we must have something in commom. My wife and I have the same work ethic, family values and outlook on life. I knew then and now that I need to give her the respect and valued her freedom and equality. I believed that if more western women would get to know Thai men better, they will likely to choose Thai men over western men. Statistically have shown that Thai men tend to support their wives more so than western men. We come from a very family oriented society. I wish you the best in your life and if you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.
Best Wishes,
Kumroon Maksirisombat, Ph.D.
Thanks for your comment Kumroon. I am always glad to hear about successful relationships. My impression is that Thai man/western woman relationships work best when the Thai man has a higher education and speaks English well enough to allow for easy communication. Obviously this is the case with you. Also you clearly do not just follow “Thai culture”, but you have excellent relationship values that are the basis for a truly successful partnership.
My Thai wife and myself subscribe to the same values, and we have the best relationship of our lives since 9 years already. It is inspiring for me to hear about your good and successful relationship.
This is a great website on cross~cultural relationships in SE Asia. I have never seen a S E Asian man in a relationship or even having casual sex type scenario except in Malaysia and Indonesia which are muslim. I think it is diffent if the man is muslim or Hindu then he will go for a Western woman big time and I know from spending much time in SE Asia. But Buddhist Thai, Cambodian men are completely indifferent and physically not attracted to Western women.
For the most part, that has been my observation too. Of course, there are quite a few exceptions, like always, but in general this holds true, although some people here heatedly disagree with this. But after 17 years of living in Thailand, I clearly see this as the general pattern.
I do know some Thai men who are in a real relationship or married to western women. However they are clearly a very small minority and they don’t invalidate your and my observation on this. Thanks for adding to the discussion, Harriet!
Thank you for your insight and observation. Being half-japanese, half-American myself, i feel like this article is MUCH more descriptive of Japan than Thailand in regards to the western women/asian man relationship ratio, not that Thailand does not exemplify this skewed ratio as well because it definitely does. But in comparison with other Asian countries I feel like Thailand is definitely among the more liberal, maybe not as much as Bali but then again I feel like there are financial issues tied in with that as well. It is much harder for a western woman to find a Japanese man than the same woman to find a Thai man.
After spending a year abroad in Japan, I traveled to Thailand on holiday before returning to America and it was one of the best experiences of my life. After a year of feeling unattractive and unfeminine in tokyo by japanese men (despite being half), it was so nice to enjoy all the looks, boys and men asking for my number, telling me how beautiful i am, free beers and drinks and food, etc. in thailand! 🙂 i even ended up meeting a special thai man whom i am now happily married to. now i might be the exception, and i guess im not your typical western woman either, but after looking around and my own experience for the past few years in thailand, i really feel like things are not as skewed as they were before, at least in the south and especially with the younger men.
and i have to disagree with at least one of the statements you mentioned about thai men finding western women less attractive–this is definitely not the case in the south, or even the north i would wager. perhaps places like Bangkok where fashion and fair skin are more common and more emphasized. but in my time in the south, having a western girlfriend/wife is like a trophy prize! maybe it depends on the woman but it definitely feels like “farang” women have this unfair beauty advantage over thai women, in the eyes of thai men here, probably to do with their skin, light hair and light eyes, im not sure…but this was my observation. its typical to see young thai boys “sporting” their farang girlfriends around with pride, like its a bragging right, and others watching are impressed. when i was introduced to all my husbands family and friends, the first question they always ask is, what do i see in him? he has dark skin, typical thai country man–what is a beautiful girl like you doing with him?!! They cant wrap their heads around it! 🙂 we often get looks when we walk together, people are so shocked.
In any case, I would agree with a lot of points in your article, but would you say perhaps that this is an older take on Thai-Western relationships and things are changing now? Or is this just something happening in the South with younger generations?
Thank you for your time and observations 🙂
Thanks for your story Jennifer. I’m really tired of western men trying to make western women feel out of place in Thailand. Their attitude is like ” what are you doing here, nobody wants you here”
It’s completely untrue that Thai men are not attracted to Western women. It’s quite the opposite. I live in BKk and yes the men are shy but it doesn’t men they are not interested.
I’m wondering where the author of this article is and what experience they have with this topic.
Thai people in general give me special treatment.
Glad you found a nice Thai man.
Hmm, in South Thailand it is a more influenced by Malaysian and Muslim culture which are a greater majority there. In Bangkok, forget it, ive been there many yimes, I am young, slim, fair skinned, green eyes and very long hair but never had a Thai guy look st me except very old ones post 40yrs of age. In Malaysia and Indonesia completely different. In Japan, it is not as bad as Thailand nor Cambodia.
In Vietnam the men are more forward towards Western women. In India and Sri Lanka you will always have men chasing you and harassing you but only for sex, not for relationship. In Myanmar the men are respectful of Western women, same in Nepal but no hassle from them.
I can tell you have been around Southeast Asia! 🙂
Hi Jennifer,
thanks for your elaborate comment. I agree with you that there are many changes happening in Thailand with the younger generation. They are much more influenced by western models and western TV, and some are trying to break out of Thai cultural restrictions. My observation after living here for many years is that the western woman/Thai man relationship is clearly a very small minority compared to the western man/Thai woman relationship. But there are definitely some. I presented the most common scenario in my article, and there are clearly exceptions, and they might get more in the future with a gradual breakdown of Thai traditions by the young generation.
But still I don’t see too many Thai man/western woman relationships happening simply due to the psychological makeup of Thai men versus western women. If you have such a successful relationship, I congratulate you and wish you many happy years together.
I live in the north of Thailand. It is quite possible that in the southern beach tourist areas you find more young Thai men pursuing western women, but as soon as you get out of those liberal tourist areas and into typical Thai towns, you are back to the status quo again.
Where I live, in Chiang Mai, it is extremely rare to see a Thai man with a western woman. There are some, but just a tiny percentage.
Hi, I travel to Se Asia three times a year. I’m fair skinned, blue eyed blonde hair Australian. The men in Myanmar and most women told me I was beautiful. Every one stared. However in Thailand, not so much. I mainly go to my friends village in the north of Chiang mai in the hills. I feel in love with a adorable Thai man, but he wasn’t interested for a white westerner. He wanted a Chinese lady. It’s interesting to see and hear there different opinions. Needless to say I teach these boys English and they have become my best friends. Guess love and romance will have to wait.
But still I don’t see too many Thai man/western woman relationships happening simply due to the psychological makeup of Thai men versus western women”
This is a telling comment- gently I will point out that the first line says the truth of the phrase..you see..but you see what you want to see here, like many western men who are disenchanted and have decided that all western women are feminist nazis. Not all of us are. I am a caucasian westerner in love with thai culture, a thai man, and who thai men go crazy for, in my limited experience of three vacations to thailand- about- !! (but one time for almost a month)- I have four thai men still writing me after my return home. So certainly a genuinely feminine, sweet western girl- can do just fine in thailand ! and like the other female poster replied, actually yes they love to have a farang girl at their side in public if I recall0 and I’ve had so many super horny come-ons from these boys (unwanted dick pics emailed to me :)) but thank you boys !!!hehehe) that I just can’t believe they find us so unaappealing ..I think dear sir, you are projecting your own feelings about western women, onto Thai men. live and let live !! something for everyone !:))) love to you and all writing here !
I’m 19 and about 2 months ago I met a 26 year old Thai man. I live in Australia and he has lived here for about 2 years, his english isn’t fantastic which makes things a little difficult to explain to him sometimes but its alright.
Lately things have started to get a little bit strange and I was hoping someone who knew a little more about Thai people and their culture could shed some light on the matter.
He has become extremely possessive of me and if I am to even talk to or text a male friend he gets very upset and jealous, I was at work the other day and couldn’t pick up my phone for about 2 hours, when I finally called him back he was absolutely furious, got very drunk that night and called me at ridiculous hours of the morning saying he was coming to my house to get me and that he loved me.
Usually when I stay at his house he makes me have about 4 showers.. even if I say I have already showered he makes me have another one.. maybe ocd.. Maybe he is just very clean..
He is really nice but every time I see him it seems to be another extremely bizarre experience. whether he’s licking the chilli off my food and feeding me like a bird or telling me I’m not allowed to smoke or drink or wipe my face with a towel or taking my rings of my fingers and putting them on my ring finger, its all very strange and I’m wondering if its just what Thai men are like or if I should be slightly worried about where this might be going..
Well, Jasmine, from reading your comment I have to say that I think you should be more than slightly worried. What you described sounds like a recipe for disaster to me, regardless of the nationality of the both of you. What you described is pathological behavior on his part. In my experience jealousy is a bigger issue here in Thailand compared to most western countries, but your man has serious control issues.
It is true that Thais take showers frequently and also often before they go to bed, but again your man’s behavior is excessive and nobody has the right to control others or legislate their behavior.
My motto in such cases is “When in doubt, get out.”
Hi. I’m a Thai guy, but I have to say I totally agree with Shama on this one. I have Thai female friends whose boyfriend are really the jealous type, but they are nowhere near the level described by Jasmine. When he came to see her on campus and she was hanging out with us, he might give us some weird/jealous stare or go to the canteen and called her to meet up there ASAP, but that was as worst as it would get (we all became good friends, though, eventually).
I am genuinely concerned about the “bizarre behaviors” described. Read my lips: NORMAL THAI MEN DON’T DO THESE THINGS.
– Licking the chilli off your food is near fetish >_<
– Even in university, "bird-feeding" is only done as a game in college initiation rites, usually by members of the same sex (it's more hilarious that way).
– Not allowing you to smoke, drink, wipe your face, or take off a ring is psychotic.
Yes, "When in doubt, get out." This is HIS peer insisting here!
PS. I know this comment appears about a year later than it should, so perhaps I'm making this statement for future reference by other readers.
I am filipina.. having a thai boyfriend right now.. and yeah.. I enjoy reading your write ups. I’m searching information about Thai men’s personality and their perspectives about marriage. You guys made help a lot in answering my queries. Thank You 🙂
Jasmine luckily not all Thai men are like that. I am in my 30’s now and have been married to my thai husband now for almost 10 years. We in America which is where I am from. We live here still but visit Thailand often since he has family there. It’s true Thais like to be clean but maybe only one morning shower and one before bed since it’s very hot there. 4 is way too much plus he seems overly possessive and could possibly be an abuser more than likely. My husband isn’t anything like that and their are plenty of amazing Thai gentlemen out there. I wouldn’t stick with that one and hope you didn’t 🙂 I don’t know when this was written but I do hope all is well.
Couldn’t edit my comment but I wanted to add that not all Thai men have a jealous attitude.. just like anywhere men have their own personalities. My Thai husband is sweet kind thoughtful and never had cheating in his mind or jealousy. I feel a lot in this article and or some comments are opinionated more so than facts. Good and bad people live everywhere, heck my white American Dad was an abuser and jealous type of person with my step mom
When I go out in Thailand, I am always pursued and talked to by Thai men. They are not as shy as you think. I have had a couple of Thai boyfriends as well and they were fun partners. I think your post has some valid information…but from what I can see, Thai men find western women attractive and worth talking to.
Hi Juliana,
I think that in recent years, mainly in the areas where there are lots of tourists or foreigners, Thai men show more of an interest in western women and lose some of their shyness. In the areas of Thailand where there is less presence of tourists and expats, Thai men tend to stay away from western women. I imagine that a gradual opening and loosening up of Thai-western relationships will continue especially amongst the younger generation. The ratio between Western woman/Thai man versus Western man/Thai woman relationship is still very extreme in favor of the latter. This might be changing slowly as you noticed in your own experience. I am glad you had some fun relationships with Thai men 🙂
hello
thank u mr. shama for ur article
u r right,most of those who wrote u back r half aisans so this makes it easier relationship with thai guys
to me a different case, coz im arabic and i like a thai guy. we r friends but i like him more than a just friend.
we go out together, have a lovely times and he is so nice and caring.
however, i think it is a frienship with these limits.
i showed him that i care too but thai r different from other nationalities seems they expect the girl to approach.
I dont know what to do!
rima
Rima, I am always in favor of initiating good communication. This is especially important in cross cultural relationships. Often it is difficult for Thais to open up and reveal what is really on their mind. This is how they are brought up and it is often a new concept to them that it is possible and indeed very useful to openly talk about how you feel and what would bring the two partners closer together. Some Thai men can feel intimidated by such an open approach since Thai women do not usually do that. But I feel that without open communication about a relationship it does not have a big chance of working out.
Judging from the comments to my article, there are some good western woman-Thai man relationships. I wish I could get a follow up on some of these comments a year later to see how it developed!
You are another special case being arabic, so there is again another type of energy entering the picture that the Thai man is probably not at all familiar with. Try to discuss things openly and see how he reacts, and please let me know how it works out. I wish you success and a happy relationship!
I am 100% British, but have quite asian features dark long hair, dark eyes, petite body fair skin etc. I have been living in Thailand since i was 14 years old and have found Thailand to be a very large candy shop!!! Thai men find me very attractive and i am continuously approached by Thai men. I found this article because me and my Thai boyfriend (of 3 years) are planning to get married. I suppose some of what you said is true that is mostly thai women are with western men but other parts i found hilarious and very untrue.I have had only Thai boyfriends and have been told that i am the kind of girl THEY dream about! i suppose growing up here, speaking the language and knowing the culture helps my situation.
Laura.
Oh and i met my boyfriend in a non-tourist town. Hardly any western faces at all.
Yes Laura, it does seem that you do not represent the typical scenario which I am describing. When writing about something, you cannot help generalizing to some degree. There are always some people at the end of both spectrums who do not fall into the main category. And that’s a good thing!
Cross cultural relationship challenges often stem from an inability to communicate effectively due to language barriers or misinterpretation problems, or from the ignorance of one or both partners about the cultural background and way of thinking of their partner. Clearly none of these are an issue for you, and that’s why I am not surprised that you don’t experience all the challenges that I am writing about.
Certainly it is possible to have a great cross cultural relationship. I know that because I have been in one for 9 years already. Like you, I have been in Thailand for a long time.
I am writing my articles in order to help people who are less familiar with Thailand understand what they might experience here. If you know the potential pitfalls, you can deal with them, or avoid them. I hope that my series of relationship articles will help some people get into good relationships and stay in them. A little knowledge can go a long way compared with the risks of getting into a relationship with starry eyes and little understanding of another culture.
I am a Thai country boy who not strictly prefer but enjoy companionship of western women.
Relationship between a Thai man an a Western women is like any other relationship in general.
There is a period of checking and feeling each others out. Glansing, observing froma afar,
smiling and nodding just to see if we are in similar wave length and bandwidth. However,
there are more complex issues for both. Language barrier, cultural differences and unertainly of
the meaning of specific guestures. It took a great deal of prerequisit and homework more so
than most poeple realize for a Thai man to take steps across those barrier lines of their owns
to explore the unknown but fascinating. I cannot say that I am an expert but I do have considerably
experiences.
Dear Westerb Women; Please don’t sell yourselves too short.
There are beauty and charm in Wester women in Thai men eyes.
But not every Thai guys equipted with language ability or internal courage
but I suppose you find that too amongst western men.
What are the qualities of Western women that are so applealing to Thai men?
I cannot speak for all Thai men as we all are individuals. But for myself, personally, I was raise
in rural village and in our family, especially, we treat the women with utmost respect.
Thus, I do not believe in the notion that women are incapacitate or lack of ability to lead or
making decision. Despite treated with liberty and freedom, however, most decided to stay put and
refrained from exertion of their opinions even if they know it would have been the right thing to do.
Assertiveness and expressiveness with reason in Western women are, therefore are, extremely charming
in many Thai men eyes, like myself. The way they were brought up and the way Thai culture and believe
making Thai women conservative in exploring unknown territories relating to relationship and otherwise.
This silently frustrating to progresive Thai men. This is also strength of Western Women.
Thai men were taught to be aware of other human beings feeling and practice so without truely
understanding the meaning of it-we did it as parts of being good citizen and just being nice to others.
Western women express their feeling rather openly and this an extention of our understanding of what
henhanced feeling really means. There are other aspects of intellectual stimilation in communication
that Western women brought into this cross culture relationship. Please forgive me! I do not mean that
Thai women are incapacitate in engaging in intellectual conversation. They possess the knowledge and
awareness necessary for the task but usually chose not to engage. It will take a novel to qlualify
this but lets leave it at that for now.
Physical attraction:
Personally, I do not buy into ‘gentlemen prefer blonde’ rubbish. However, I have to admit that
different in physical appearances attacted to me. But it not purely on the colour of he hair, eyes,
facial and skin complexion. It’s the whole package of differnces that each individual possessed.
I also do not believe in fair-coplexion obcession, I actally disapprove of it. So, I have dated
Filipina as well as Latinas and Afro-Anglo women. Having said that, I also found Chinese, Korean
and Japanese uniquely attractive in their own ways.
The best of both World:
After all experiences in Interacial relationship, I settle down with a Japanese woman who was born
in Tokyo, raised in a Jewish neighbourhood in upstate New York since she was 7. When we were dating,
she was vigoriously studing Thai and Thai dance. That should make a Thai guy like me happy and fell
for her head over heel, right? WRONG! I am not a Thai Missionary and I have no desire to convert
anyone including the women I love into Thai. In fact, I seek out to meet her and other Western women
becuase they are not Thai. I have plenty of Thai in myself I need not to create an extra, that’s how
I feel. But, her action demonstrate a great length she was willing to go to better understand the
person she was involved with and that was me. So, I reciprocate her effort by studying Japanese,
American and Asian-American and Jewish-American.
Now lets go back to the unfair comparision of Western men an Western women in Thailand.
To compare the experiences of the two genders from Westrn culture outright is not only misleading,
misrepresenting Thai men of who they really are and what they’re capable of.
Furthermore, it is doig Western women an injustice service leading to believe that their passionate
souls and psysical beauty are not really appreciative here, which is not true-not even close.
Western men and women who came to Thailand seeking love are, generally, from different edcational
and socio-economic backgrounds.
Most men are from a group of those you found in neighbourhood bars and pubs almost every single night.
They tend to be romanticall challenged in their own home turfs. Anything out there with love and
certain respect is a paradise regardless of how they aquired them. I am not trying to put these men
down but I have spent considerable amonth of time traveling through those places playing in Darts
Tournament across North America plain.
(with a long hair and high cheekbone-people thought that I was a native American so I can get away with thing)
Western Man and Thai Women:
So, a western man found love in one of the bar girls and they mutually agree to get marry.
He took her with him, supports her financially, guides through her adjustment into the new culture.
Credit to Western men, most of them doing this really well.
Western Women and Thai men:
Okay, she pick him out of a group of bar boys. Really?
The idea of a women took a man home support him the same way as their men counterpart and their
partners not only will not work in a Western womean and Thai man relationship. It doesn’t work, period!
It doen’t work even in a relationship between a Thai Woman and a Thai man or a Westen woman and a Western man.
Aleast not from the way they met.
Western women are generally looking for a relationship.
Western men are generally looking for quick relife and luck.
There requirement criterias are totally different.
I feel that women who have contribute to comment here have hinted
the answer of;
1. Where do I meet Thai Men Who Are Interested In Western Women?
2. What are the things in Western women that attracted to Thai men?
3. How do I develop a better standing of my Thai Boyfriend?
4. How do I make my Thai Boyfriend understand me?
5. Is there couple couseling practice in Thai culture?
6. Why this land doesn’t smile at me anymore
7. Suddenly, there are smiles all over again
Oh well, maybe its about time to launch Thai Drama series, eh?
Hi Nirnam,
thanks for your interesting perspective and your highly detailed post. It’s great to get Thai men respond to this topic – very helpful.
I know that was way too long but glad to share hopefully there are some useful information between those sarcastic lines. I was working in a refugee comp along Thai-Cambodian boder in the 80s and knew quite a few Thai-Western couples. That, however, was a different environment. While there were culture gap to be worked on between given two passionate souls, they were sharing certain similar values in they both working for a humanity cause. Work place even in metropolitant office would certainly bring out certain charactors of a person of interest. But, for a Western women as a tourist I could see how difficult that could be. Good news! A lady I knew had just written a book on East-West Relationship and it should be on the market fairly soon, if not already. I haven’t read it so I can’t comment on the book just yet. She is a Thai who married to a an American. I just hope that she has had some interview with Thai men – Western women couples in her book to shed some smile out there.
Personally, I believe that any truthful relationship is indifinitely beautiful. Interracial relationship which requires a great deal of understanding and adjustment just take in to the next levels.
Cheers!
There are quite a few books out about Thai-western cross cultural relationships, and they are generally really interesting. I agree with you that such relationships can be great learning tools. That has definitely been the case in my own 9 year relationship with my Thai wife. This has been and still is the best relationship of my entire life.
Congratulations on your personal relationship!
Out here, in the west, there are books such as The White Husband’s CLub. I am sure men have gone through their owns ups and downs and out of resolution of their, well, ours. This is where it has been illustrated clearly that men and women are two different species that coexist. Women will definitely turn to all resources of advise including amongst wives where as men would rarely, and that is generous opinion, do the same.
Personally, I am somewhat guilty of signing as a witness of Thai husbands and Western wives on their marital document at the City Hall four times. One of the couple was very interesting. Her parents had asked to visit my family, as I am sure their duaghter used us as a proving evidence, and so they came and stay with us for two weeks-Thanks to them we then had a good reason for having a guestroom. So, the Physiology Professor of a reknown University approved his only daughter marriage to a Thai man at the end of their visit.
Life in the US is far different than what Holliwood had portrayed and so I was occasionally received a promotion. From a marital witness to an after the fact marriage couselor. Thai or not men just not good at facing this aspect of relationship let alone admitting their is a problem. This is where a big down side of cross-culture long term relationship. To the credit of western men, they are raised in the culture where couple cuounselling or expressing emotion are a norm, in most cases. It is , generally, a rare concept for most Asian men with Thai men are included.
And, here I am, I suppose to issue statement of encouragement to Western women who seek relationship with Thai men of their dreams. Instead, I am pointing out a rather negative scinario. Please don’t be discourage! These are things that can work out providing that both parties are aware of cultural and values differences. You are in a unique relationship and as long as you or both of you realized that, it will be a beautiful one.
Nevertheless, the idea of a book titling ‘The Western Wife’s Club’ that begins from ‘the first sight’ to ‘dating phase’ is somewhat intriguing!
Yeah, I agree that,actually, Thai men feel interested in western women, but language barriers prevent them from forming a relationship. I also think that the reason why some Thais get attracted by westerners stems from how much they can communicate in that target language their wanted-to-be-a-spouse persons are first-languagedly speaking. You see, Thai women and gays are really good at western languages, so they feel confident communicating with westerners while Thai normal men are not good at learning any western languages due to partly their nature of being man, and partly the misbelief that being good at any western languages looks pretending, colourful, gay, or anything like that. Thai normal men are strongly convinced that if they are real man and pround of being real Thai, then they don’t wanna get involved with values and tastes that are not Thai.
In the countries where women have higher social status and career prospective. Women are not expected to be sweetness, followers…… Such as Northern European, Chinese cities area. I know many househusbands in American, but househusbands among Asian American are not so common. I knew one Chinese husband took his wife’s suggestion of staying home taking care of kids after his phd degree in a special area is not easy for him to land a job locally. They want to stay together and they decide the wife would be the bread earner, she worked hard and was a director of a IT company. He takes care of kids very well.
Hello, i just wanted to say, that your comment was very well put. It showed much thought and insight..Thankyou very much.You sound like you are a good philosopher…nameste..sherry
Interesting article. But while I find you have some valid points, you write a bit one-sided.
These are my standpoints:
In my four years in Thailand I have found that many Thai men find western women attractive.
Relationships between western women/thai men do work.
And Thailand isn’t really a dating-desert for western women if they are open to Thai men. You are right that Thailand would be a desert if they’d exclusivly look for western men… but that is kind of logical to me, as there’s a much smaller choice of western men and 99% of men are Thai.
What I read a bit from your post is the underlying statement that all western women are feminists and unfeminine… You wrote it in a very polite and objective manner, but it seems you have the same “bias” about wester women that many western men will openly write about in some Thai forums.
I’ve seen you emphasize that there are more western man/thai women couple than the other way around. Of course that is true. But isn’t it kind of logic if we look at why many men come to Thailand in the first place? And why women come here?
Many men come here to find a partner or have some fun and then fall in love. Women mostly come here on holidays without any intention of finding a partner. So I find it difficult to compare two totally different groups with different intentions. We could also ask the question why are there so many Jamaican Men/Western Women couple in Jamaica and not the other way round. Is it that Jamaican women are not attractive? 🙂
I met many women that spend some more time in Thailand (volunteers, work) that would meet a Thai guy at some point (me amongst them). Of course if the relationships works out is up to the couple and cross-cultural relationships are always a challenge, but I believe love would help work around these differences.
So in short I appreciate your polite writing style but I find the overall article a bit one-sided and opinionated. Of course the same is true for my comment.
p.s.: Nirnams viewpoints are very interesting!
Thanks for your extensive comment Mina. I agree that my writing is opinionated. Like you point out, yours is as well. Luckily we all have somewhat different opinions – imagine a world where we all have the same opinions:)
You make some very valid points, like the different reasons why many men come to Thailand compared to women. And of course Thai man/western woman relationships can work – they are just a small minority compared to Thai woman/western man relationships, and they face more challenges as I pointed out in my article.
My writing is based on my experience of living in Thailand for well over a decade, being married to a Thai woman, and having spoken to countless couples, both Thai and farang as well as men and women.
It is quite normal that if you try to present an average of anything you end up with a bell curve, meaning that even if you catch the largest part of the bell curve, there will always be a smaller but still substantial percentage on the outer edges of the bell curve which falls outside of your perimeters.
Since I can never accurately represent everybody’s experience, I can at least stimulate some lively comments like yours which add interesting perspectives from the outer edges of the bell curve. And those might gradually, with the rapidly changing cultural environment, gravitate toward the inside of the bell curve. In 20 years from now, my article might be totally outdated and superseded by a new generation which will have changed significantly.
As of today, I am sure that my observations apply to a majority of relationships. This does not invalidate your experiences at all, and quite honestly, I hope that your experiences will become the norm one day.
I have spoken to so many western men about their observations regarding western and Thai women, and I have noticed a definite consensus. Clearly western women are more feminist than Thai women. This is quite easy since the concept of feminism practically does not exist in Thailand, but it has become an established phenomenon in the west.
Of course not all western women are hard core feminists – probably very few of them are – but they tend to be more direct, more outspoken, have a higher degree of self confidence, and are more willing to tell you in your face if they don’t like something.
Thai women have a natural sweetness that appeals to western men and they are, like Thais in general, less inclined to be confrontational than their western counterparts. And this is not just my opinion. Most western men share this perception.
Like most things in life, this is not a black and white, good versus bad issue. It is not a value judgment, but just a way of pointing out cultural attitudes and different ways of thinking and acting.
I have good western female friends and enjoy the ease of communication and understanding of issues that we share due to similar cultural backgrounds. And I enjoy my relationship with my Thai wife which has very different aspects that I appreciate.
We cannot always get everything from one person. It would be unreasonable to expect our partner to be our ideal match in terms of communication, life style, sexually, intellectually, physically etc.
Thai and western women bring different things to the table. For me, when it comes to relationships, I have thrown my lot in with a Thai women, and I am very happy with my choice. And I agree with you, love can solve many issues. I hope that lots of people here in Thailand find a loving relationship, whatever their gender, race or cultural background.
Okay, so I know that this has been up a lot already. But I must say that I disagree at some points. I’m a teenager from scandinavia (blond hair, blue eyes, white skin) and I was at vacation in Thailand for three weeks in february. As I was walking down the streets, was at the markets, at the beach or whatever most of the boys was very interested in me. (Even in a small village I visited) I don’t know how many times I heard thai boys telling me how beautiful I am. A lot of them gave me flowers, free drinks and asked for my number. Two boys were even trying to kiss me! In my eyes they were therefore much less shy than you describe. And also less shy than the boys are where I live. So, for me it wasn’t like a relationship desert, but the complete opposite. And I was in both south and north Thailand. I can see that it may be difficult having a relationship/getting married, when the cultures are so different, but for a teenager like me it was heaven!
Hi Emilie,
Thanks for your input. There are several possibilities:
1. Maybe you are so drop dead gorgeous that the Thai boys just can’t help themselves
2. Maybe your way of dressing feels suggestive to them
3. Maybe the winds of change of the younger generation is picking up steam
4. Maybe all three above apply
In either case: good for you and I am glad you had a great time here!
5. Not to offend you but maybe you have made a mistake by saying that Thai men do not find western women as attractive as Thai women. Sorry to say it like that but If you talk about these fat cows wearing short and slippers during their tourist tour then ok, I understand.
A lot of Thai men are looking at me in the street and some are not even scared to let me know that I am beautiful. Some are even singing songs to me. I am now dating a Thai boy and he is very happy to be with me. We love each other very much and he finds me very attractive.
Lila, if you scroll 4 posts up, you find a long response of mine where I outline what my observations are based on. Again, of course there are relationships between Thai men and western women, but they are a very small minority compared to Thai woman/western man relationships.
At the risk of offending some western women, pretty much all western men find Thai women on average more attractive than western women. Thai men agree with that. Compared to western women, there are very few overweight women in Thailand, although this is starting to change.
I have no doubt that if there is a young, attractive western woman, many Thai men will find her attractive. However I know many western women here in Thailand who might not have perfectly shaped bodies and are middle aged, and Thai men are generally not interested in them at all. They prefer younger and prettier Thai women.
Youthfulness is a much bigger factor here in Thailand than in the west where generally most couples are not so far apart age-wise. I know of tons of cases where Thai men have dropped their partners to go off with a younger woman, and many Thai wives live in fear of that.
I assume you are fairly young and good looking. Wait for 10 or 20 years, and you will be much more likely to agree with the statements in my article, because by then certain realities in Thailand will have caught up with you.
Most people who posted objections to my “Relationships in Thailand” articles are young women who have their age and their good looks going for them. Middle aged western women are facing a very different reality here in most cases.
And even there you can find exceptions. But, as I mentioned several times before, my article is based on averages, not on exceptions. And after 14 years here in Thailand, I have a pretty good understanding of what is happening in Thailand.
Thanks for sharing your opinions and please feel free to disagree with me.
I appreciate your insights and well thought through response.
Although I want to add a bit to your last response to Lila:
You write: “I have no doubt that if there is a young, attractive western woman, many Thai men will find her attractive. However I know many western women here in Thailand who might not have perfectly shaped bodies and are middle aged, and Thai men are generally not interested in them at all. They prefer younger and prettier Thai women.”
Of course, generally you are right (Although I’d go even more general and say “Men prefer younger and prettier women”). It’s a kind of a natural law I guess. This is the same everywhere in the world. But looking at Thailand, men (western and Thai) have a bit of an advantage, as there are more women than (straight) men (please correct me if I’m wrong. I’m yet to find trustworthy statistics on it, but looking around it does seem that way).
It is not only for western (middle-aged, less attractive) women but also for Thai women (as you also point out, that they live in fear of being deserted by their husbands). I have many female single-friends in their early 30s who can’t find a decent boyfriend or who prefer to stay single because the choice is not great (if I had to choose between a gigolo or a closet-gay I would prefer to stay single too). There are decent Thai guys, but they are usually taken.
I do disagree with your “all western men find Thai women on average more attractive than western women. Thai men agree with that.” because I think this is up to personal taste. But I guess we have different tastes and experiences. 🙂
Personally I think they are just as attractive (or not) just compare a 20 year old western woman with a 20 year old Thai/Asian women. You will probably prefer the Asian looks while someone else will prefer the western looks. But you are right that on average westerners will be more overweight.
Ok, I’ll stop here now. Again, appreciate your insights and response, even though we disagree here and there.
Mina, we definitely agree on one important point. There are more women than men in Thailand, and a good percentage of the men are either gay, ladyboys or monks which takes them out of the availability pool. This puts women at a disadvantage compared to men who have lots of choices in Thailand.
Maybe this accounts for the often extreme jealousy of Thai women. It is hard enough for them to find a good partner, as you pointed out, and then it is even harder for them to keep their man, given the availability of females and the Thai (male) tradition of having more than one wife.
I am glad that we disagree on some issues. If that would not be the case, there would be very little dialogue here:)
Hello. I met my Thai man a year ago. I have won his heart I think finally. I am 50, not overweight, he is trying to fatten me up? He says he looks at my heart not my appearance. I find this both good and bad.I feel very inadequate in the company of Thai women, even of my own age. I’m very self conscious of my appearance. Not nearly as beautiful as them. I feel I may destroy my own relationship due to my my perception of myself. He is a beautiful man, and very good to me. He is also 5 years younger. I have said, we may not have alot in common, but I need him in my life. His English is excellent too. That does help me alot?
He has taken me to his home town and met all his friends and family. I really like the more traditional Thai lifestyle. I hope it can last.
Kerrie, although your relationship might seem outside of the “typical” ones, there is no reason why it shouldn’t work. I know a number of “unusual” relationships that are working. So don’t compare yourself with the Thai women. Maybe your man sees something in you which he cannot find in the Thai women. The fact that he has introduced you to his friends and family is a good sign. All I can say is that I wish you good luck with it.
Majority of the Thai men that I met are not interested in Western women because they much rather want Western MEN! Seems like every Thai person I’ve met so far, regardless of gender, is after Western MEN!
Chichi, you have a very good point here! It’s true, there are so many gays in Thailand anyway, but in the last few years I have noticed a trend among the young Thais that it has become fashionable to be gay.
It’s the latest cool thing to do, and since there is very little judgment towards gays in Thailand compared to western countries, they flaunt it without having to worry about enduring any social consequences. Where I live, in Chiang Mai, I see lots of western men walking around hand-in-hand with young Thai men.
Poor women – with all the gays, ladyboys and monks, their choices are shrinking. But I have noticed that they are fighting back their way. There is also a big trend towards lesbianism in Thailand. The relationship scene in Thailand can indeed be very confusing when you try to figure out who is with whom, and who else is in the picture, or rather hiding in the picture.
Thailand is quite a colorful place with all those transgender, transsexual, homosexual, bisexual, extramarital, multiple relationship, paid relationship and whatever else situations. But since Thais are quite tolerant in this regard, it all somehow fits into the social framework.
Lenny left an interesting comment in response to something that Nirnam had written. I had always noticed that Thai men speak less English than Thai women in general and had always wondered why. Lenny shared the observation that women and gays in Thailand are more open to speaking English and getting involved with foreigners whereas Thai men see it as a matter of Thai pride to not get so much involved with values that are non Thai and therefore are less inclined to learn English. I wonder if there are others who agree with this.
From my observation, educated Thai men are much more likely to speak English. At higher levels of education it does not matter if they are men or women when it comes to their English speaking ability. But among the less educated Thais it is definitely true that Thai women are much more likely to speak English, and it is rare to find a man who does.
Obviously this will have an impact on the relationship scene as well.
hi im Amjith 26 indian boy i read ur all stories with replays,everything is true you know one thing every thai male and female sorrow by their nose,girls didnt like black men,they want be white man for public expo,i was living in thailand as 6month,now i came back to India,i was study them as well,an every girls has thai boyfriend with children but 78% couples are separated, i had some girlfriends there,they told their family life not happy with boy friendz,all major % of males are very weak so girls depending to foreign man for sex with money,may be they will be rich,now its a passion of thai ladies,i have medium skin color,fitness body & long nose,they like my nose but d problem they are not strong with me,i need life partner i was searching for that, my friendz told me thai girlz are very strong then i met some thai girlz,it was wrong,bkz im too hot in my bed, sex is d major part of life,but thai girl are very enthusiastic more boyz,i like it,i invite this time for ladies being my life partner,no country restrictions my Id-Amjithkhan15@gmail.com
regardz
Amjith
You have certainly seen the dark side of relationships in Thailand. Just to counterbalance this and to encourage you, there are relationships that work beautifully as well. I know that for a fact, because I am in one of those. So don’t give up. It is not easy anywhere to find a good relationship, and the Thai way of thinking doesn’t make it any easier, as you know. But fortunately it is still possible. There are just some challenges to overcome…
one more thing 25% males are gays,35% males are lady boys,30% males are chain smokers,alcohol with drug addicts so they are living their own world they did not think about partner is it happy, its a tragedy…. please read this.. itz for u thai boyz..mind it and share it to ur friends .. (AMJITHKHAN15@GMAIL.COM
You are exaggerating a little:) But aside from the actual numbers that you quoted, there is some truth in what you are saying. There is definitely a high percentage of gays and ladyboys in Thailand, and substance abuse is a big problem as well.
But despite all that, there is a gentle, beautiful, relaxed and forgiving attitude and way of life here which is the reason why I have been here for so many years.
Like everywhere, there is good and bad here. For me the good is outweighing the bad, and I know how to avoid that side of Thailand which I don’t care much about. It helps that I am happily married and don’t depend on the dating scene which can be quite weird here.
Interesting data and perspective. This really make me wonder how they have survived for over 700 years. May be sex, drugs or the influx of open minded beings seekers. No, it can’t be. I think it’s luck-sitting on the tree branches or by the beach smoking joints and get lucky. That must be it!
Hi, I am Italian and I have been living already 3 years in Thailand, maybe is the Pattaya city is not fine , I don’t know , but i agree 100% with the article. Thai men don’t like western lady , they like white skin of asian lady only , Thai or Japan or Korea is welcome. But for Thai men western women are only farang , can born a relatioship only if they can see can take money as many Thai lady , but this is for men down class , men high class do not see a western women also if she are without clothes. I am really beautiful Italian lady , I never had any problems in Italy or in other contry as in Thailand with men , I don’t exist for Thai men , only low class as ISAN men try to have relationship only for business because they see me as ATM , but really not one Thai man like a western woman , thinking if can love , also they don’t like . For Thai man existing only Thai Lady or other Asian Lady , but not farang.
Sorry for my English , but I am really sad about this because I like Thai men but I am not welcome . Again I don’t know if is Pattaya city the problem of all Thailand , I sure I will go out from here , I would like try to meeting good friends and try to find people for start good relationship. Maybe Bangkok is more open minded etc….but here after 3 years I feel alone so much.
Hi Lara,
Thanks for your comment. I understand where you are coming from, since I have heard about similar experiences from other women. Not everyone agrees with me according to all the comments above. What you describe validates what I was told by other farang women. I hope you will find a place in Thailand where the relationship situation is easier for you. Good luck and best wishes!
Thank you so much Shama.
I will hope to find a good friendship in Bangkok, hope ……
Hi Lara, I don’t think Pattaya is a good place for anyone!
As a middle class man aspect, especially me. If you could find the way out of Pattaya to Bkk.
feel free to contact me. I’m Thai man with early 30’s years old.
Hi, everybody.
I am Thai guy, was born and growing up in Thailand. There are so many reason why some Thai men are not interest in Farang women. Here, there are many good guidline to women who are looking for Thai guy relationship. If you trust your feeling and seeing some good thing in the future, start your own story after then. For me personally, I do interest in western women.
Good luck.
I have a Thai boyfriend and I think what you say is true about Thai woman being more attractive. My boyfriend has a Thai ex-wife and after 7 years of marriage he couldn’t do it any more. She was ok looking but there was always drama (fights, screaming, crying, jealousy, doing crazy stuff to get attention, attempt suicide etc.) After seven years he couldn’t put up with it any more. According to my boyfriend and many foreign men (with Thai wives) the relationships get very intensive. Thai woman seem sweet (some might be), but a lot of Thai woman can be little witches at home 🙂 I have seen quiet some woman here with scars on their arms from cutting themselves. Just look at a Thai Lakorn and you will find that they aren’t so different from what real life is like. Cheating not just the men (woman nowadays are just as bad), screaming, fighting, crying, suicide etc. According to my boyfriend: The prettier the girl is the more you have to stay away from them. Because they are like strawberries beautiful on the outside but sour on the inside. If you talk about the high educated woman it becomes a little different, but still you will find some of this stuff and will get other stuff in return. The high educated Thai woman that I know that are in managing positions seem very nice but are real pit-bulls with no compassion (again there might be some exceptions). My boyfriend is after 2 years still happy with his Western woman just because there is no drama and because of my Jai Dee.
Thanks Esther for your elaborate comment. I agree with you that sweetness on the outside does not equal sweetness on the inside. And yes, going after the prettiest woman in Thailand is not a good strategy in general. First of all the good looks won’t last forever, and second, while they last, they can invite competition, jealousy, drama and ego. Going after a good heart, a good character, and a truly sweet nature is a better strategy not only in Thailand, but probably anywhere in the world.
Thai lakorn is not real morrow of Thailand , if is as lakorn is a dream country
Thanks Esther for your elaborate comment. I agree with you that sweetness on the outside does not equal sweetness on the inside. And yes, going after the prettiest woman in Thailand is not a good strategy in general. First of all the good looks won’t last forever, and second, while they last, they can invite competition and jealousy. Going after a good heart, a good character, and a truly sweet nature is a better strategy not only in Thailand, but probably anywhere in the world.
Very interesting article and Im sure valid on many points but the only problem I have with one of your arguements is that “Thai men dont find western women attractive” Im sorry but I call BS on that one for a few reasons…1) You are a white man writing this article…..maybe YOU dont find western women as attractive as Thai and your critique is very bias because you are assigning your own views to an entire group of men…unlesa you have personally interviewed a big chunk of Thai men, you really have no idea what they do or dont find attractive. I find that most white western men who go after asian women in general put western women down in looks when comparing…..but asian men arent white western men and have different opinions….to a white man a thai woman is exotic but to a thai man they are not but a pale, blond Russian woman is. 2) There are MANY types of western/european women in the world (not just american) and they are DROP DEAD GORGEOUS and just as beautiful as any thai woman…..I mean honestly have you seen eastern european beauties?!?!? Tall, thin, curvy, milk skin, beautiful facial structures, super feminine and traditional. Go to any college campus in the us a and you will also find gorgeous, thin, beautiful girls everywhere. Thai women are not superior in looks to western women and not all western women are “manly” nor wish to be dominant….I for one always keep my weight low, work out, wear heels and dresses and let my husband be the man and Im a western woman…far from femnazi which is an awful stereotype. I have been to different asian countries such as korea and china and had local men hitting on me so much that it made going out a chore….and im white and very american. Asian men find western women as exotic as white men find asian women and each has their own unique beauty and nether are superior just different.
Thanks for your elaborate comment. I agree that there are many gorgeous western women, and yes, I have seen quite a few of the eastern European ones. I am sure that Thai men would like them and find them attractive. Actually there are many Russian women in Thailand who practice the oldest profession in the world.
However there is a big difference between a Thai man hitting on a pretty western woman and finding her attractive, and having a good long term relationship with mutual respect and understanding. And in this respect Thai man – western woman is often quite challenging because of the points mentioned in my article. This does not mean it is not possible – of course it is. It is just not very common.
You might want to scroll up a few posts and read Lara’s comment. She says she is a beautiful Italian lady and she does not exist for the Thai men. She also says that Thailand is the only country where she has experienced such an attitude.
I know, there are several posts where western women say they had no problem connecting with Thai men. Often Thai men think that western women are easily available since the relationship scene in the west is less culturally governed than in Thailand. But to grow that into a solid, mature, long term relationship is quite another story. And that’s often the challenge here in Thailand.
To confirm this other fact which Shama wrote about in his reply: Thai men think that western women are easily available, I have hear spoke many Thai men here in Thailand that are friend of some staff of my friend who has a restaurant. They really think this. They also criticize the dress of Western women, for example they don’t like that many western women don’t wear bras, often, we women do not have it, though covered and non-transparent. This is only one example.
There are also two types of class of Thai men: those considered by the same Thai (low level) and those of (high level) this classified born from Thai people and not from we Falang ( or foreign ) ….
The typical men low level are more dark skinned compared to a man high level is white (as male actors in Lakorn example (Thai soap operas), many are also mixed race) and the Thai men dark skin is also easy have relationship. They really like women foreign or falang, but only for one motivation because they see a good chance for change in life, and they look at a women as ATM Machine…..because in the end they like Thai lady, and only dream to have a relationshio with western woman (they call and speak falang) for change life, but when they can go out they will have extra relationship with Thai lady ….. Maybe someone can also like really, but maybe only 10% (and that’s a lot already) of Thai man low class really like western Women.
The high class Thai men absolutely don’t LIKE WESTERN WOMEN, never you can see a white man than as actors of Lakorn with a Western Woman. Even if the western woman is very beautiful, they prefer to have relationship with Thai white skinned women ….
This is sad but this is how Thai men are.
It is different with Thai lady that can also love and like a western man (falang). Many Thai ladies I know really love and like western men. Thai men are really 10% of all Thai men can like really (and not only fake for interest of money)….So I think that many ladies speaking have good relationship with Thai men is because these ladies don’t want to see that is fake relationship or don’t want to see the reality ….maybe for not have pain, but this is the story …unfortunately.
Western men are really lucky and this is the best country for western men. They can easily meet many Thai ladies for a very good relationship, Thai women can also change to be more similar to a western life style, but you can never can change a Thai man.
For us western women sure is better to have a relationship with a Thai man that is from high level class, because we are more similar, normally the mind is more open of such Thai men, understand better europe style etc… but the problem is that it does not happen that Thai man of high class loking for a western woman ….I never see really …. and I go many times also to Bangkok where live and I see many many handsome Thai men, but is as I or many of my western friends do not exist for them.
I want also speak about one experience of mine:
Many months ago I together with two beautiful Thai women, we went dancing in one disco only for Thai people (very high class and beautiful Thai people), so what happened?
We had a table near another table full of very nice Thai men. These men asked my two Thai lady friends if they wanted to drink something, and while they offered drinks to my two Thai friends, they treated me as if I did not exist,….I think more clear message than this ……that what Shama wrote is really 100% true.
I am not ashamed to confess to being marginalized, or searched just out of interest …..
Thanks Lara, you brought up many interesting observations from the point of view of a western woman who has experience in the relationship scene in Thailand. I agree with you. Externally it may look like many Thai men, especially the less educated ones, like western woman, but often this is only a superficial attraction. They may think that the western woman are easy to get or they might have a financial motivation in mind.
It is a very different story for a western woman to establish a good, equal, monogamous relationship with those men. As you mentioned, Thai men often have affairs on the side, and this is a habit that western women obviously have a hard time with.
Educated Thai men generally don’t pursue western women much.
That being said, of course there are cases where good relationships between Thai men and western women have been established, but there are not a lot of them around. It is clearly easier for a western man to find a good relationship with a Thai woman than it is for a western woman to find a good relationship with a Thai man.
It’s funny that Lara’s English Grammar is similar to Thai people who speak English 😀
I dress very polite where my breast can not be seen at all and not even my legs. If I wear a skirt I always have leggings under it. I have seen many Thai girls who are way easier to get and who wear a lot less then I do. Offer them some food and they are available for sex (only for Thai men, for a farang men it will cost a bit more). Every country has good and bad people, hi-so and low-so, polite and impolite people, skinny and “fat” people etc.
Let’s turn things around. I agree that some woman that come here (also men) think everything here is “amazing”. They come here wearing inappropriate clothes and are very loud and expressive. Anyway men like that find themselves Thai lady’s of course they only meet the low class girls that hang around in the tourist area looking for an ATM (A high class Thai lady would also never want a guy like this). Here in Chiang Mai you find that all the trekking guides are after the female ATM’s, but there aren’t that many trekking guides compared to bar girls. Maybe the fact that there aren’t too many farang girl – Thai guy relationships is because most farang ladies don’t feel attracted to Asian men (since most of the time they aren’t very manly with their skinny bodies). Farang men do sometimes feel attracted to Asian woman. So to make things a little shorter: Many Thai woman in the tourist area are looking for money from farang men + farang men who are attracted to Asian woman = many farang guy + Thai girl couples. Not many Thai guys in the tourist area are looking for money from farang woman + Farang woman are not really attracted to Thai men = only few couples.
In my opinion most relationships in Thailand will fail if you found your Thai partner in the tourist area (both men and woman). I know many farang men with a Thai girlfriend that found out their woman was having a Thai men on the side. Also I have spoken to woman like this who told me that their partner was for the money and the gik for the sex because their farang partner was older already “need young men too”. I don’t want to say that low class is bad, but money is just a little to important for them. And you know, you can not really blame them.
So find yourself a high-so partner (if you are hi-so yourself, otherwise you will not find one) and an age difference of not more then 10 years and you might have found a relationship that will last (male and female). Still be aware that also Hi-So men and woman are able to cheat on you. More than 60% of the Thai population cheats on their partners. They don’t only cheat on a farang partner, but also on their Thai partner.
In my case my boyfriend earns more than I do I’d say he is middle class and doesn’t need me for the money. Our age difference is 6 years (He is 31 and I am 25).
Good luck 😉
Yes I agree with you in this , the Turist city as Pattaya I living is really bad for find a good relationship also with a woman ( example I don’t have a thai woman friend in Pattaya ) so thinking to meet a man …its not possible …
Also Pattaya is special city for this problem I think, because in Bangkok I feel better everywere maybe is only my impression but this what I feel in Bangkok.
Ahh not problem I will be single forever ….ahhh …. Only hope I can will meet a good friends for a little social life , because a person cannot forever to be alone , without speak full day , full weeks full months….
I don’t agree only with a point , about Thai lady easy to pick up , all country all lady are easy to pick up the problem is only that change the price …but in END all woman are for sale …( and I am woman so I can speak ) I don’t like lessen thai woman are for sale , are for sale 99% of the women in the world only ( again ) change the price rates ….ahhh ahhh
I am jalous of men western because they can find really a good partener women thay everywhere more than in Europe ….
Esther! I agree 100% with you. Sometimes I’m like… why don’t people see it and always come up with Stereotypes according to their own (or their friends) expieriences. It annoys me. I agree with youre equation.
I guess some people keep forgetting that long-lasting relationships require commitment and work… and they still have a 80% to fail… in any country!
“I don’t agree only with a point , about Thai lady easy to pick up , all country all lady are easy to pick up the problem is only that change the price …but in END all woman are for sale …( and I am woman so I can speak ) I don’t like lessen thai woman are for sale , are for sale 99% of the women in the world only ( again ) change the price rates ….ahhh ahhh
I am jalous of men western because they can find really a good partener women thay everywhere more than in Europe ….
You forgot the first part of my comment. That your grammar (structure of the sentences) is exactly the same as Khon Thai. I can tell as I am a teacher and have several private students that I help with their grammar. And seen the comments that you give I think you are.
By the way I am not for sale. Not even for a million Euro and no also not for 10. I would feel disgusted with myself. But maybe if I was born in Thailand and I would see that my family didn’t have money to eat, I might do the same thing as SOME Thai woman do.
And again also western woman can find a men all over the world if they have money, same as the western men. A real relationship though is both for western men and woman difficult to find outside Europe, especially in a poor country.
Have a nice day!
Hi Easter , ok that my english is not perfect , is so bad , because is english study myself and we Italian people are famus in the world for to be ingnorant with other languanges …but if you return back to reading what I wrote I write 99% of woman in the world are for sale , so you are the 1% are not for sale , Stop.
I am Italian not thai , but maybe seem I am thai because I write the True , that so many western do not write … I have wrote already before , that I don’t have fear to speaking what I think and what happen …. As Shame mean , here we do not speak about singolar case as you or other case , about the percentage so hight of problem with Thai men ….
The problem is not the country poor , but that after 3 eyars I live here I think that men thais prefer a thai woman also because is better 100% for they style …also when they reading some replyes here sure don’t like Western mind 100% , arrogange and I AM in thay women do not existing , and in Western Women existing
Have a nice day
Quite a spirited discussion here with Esther and Lara. Great input from women who actually live in Thailand. It is certainly true that economics are generally more important in Thailand than what we consider ‘true’ love. When a Thai woman says “I love you” it does not mean the same thing as when a western person says that. The words might be the same, but the meaning is not. Westerners have a different concept of love which is generally not tied to money.
Sure, the poorer the country, the more it becomes an attractive option for women to hook up with wealthier foreigners. I agree that many relationships that started out in the tourist scene will not work out. Luckily there are exceptions, like in my case. I met my wife in a massage shop in the tourist scene in Chiang Mai. We have been together for 10 years and she is 17 years younger than I am. There was never any cheating by either of us which is quite unusual in Thailand, as Esther pointed out.
Looks like you have an exceptional relationship as well, Esther.
I think we all agree that despite the occasional good relationships, on average here in Thailand Thai man-foreign woman relationship are not very frequent and have their challenges for several reasons as both Esther and Lara pointed out.
Really good relationships are not very easy to find anywhere in the world. Here in Thailand it is very easy for foreign men to find a Thai woman, although it generally costs them a lot more than a dinner, and maybe an arm and a leg, supporting the entire family and have some of them moving in with them as well.
I know quite a few good and solid relationships, and I get to listen to a good dose of horror stories as well. I sure hope that someone reading this article and all the comments will learn something useful that will help them to choose wisely when it comes to finding a partner in Thailand.
This just convinced me that love and interest in love is everywhere and will be forever! It, also, convinced me that this planet is ain’t as bad as many had recently portrayed it.
The emphasis on whether or not the western women are pale,bronde, brown, brunette drop dead gorgeous or not is more of a superficial sexual attraction. This could take the meaning of relationship to another direction. The poor innocent-by-standard (American Women) got tossed into unfair irrelevant reference-ouch! What’s that all about, buying power?
The notion that most or all Thai men are only interested in western women’s money making them as ATM’s, a close examine through behavior science would reveal equal participation leading to this blame game. Get over this silly barrier if relationship is what you really want-not everyone set out to rob you blind and deprive you of love.
As a Thai man who find women with fuzzy wavy light colour hair and freckles make my heart rumbling, relationship would take a bid more than just physical attraction. Maybe there are Thai men out there who are sick and tired of hearing ‘Yes, you are absolutely right, ka’ all the time. Maybe they want to here argument and reasoning from women they’re courting. May be they even want to here, ‘Look mister, I find what you’ve just said is totally stupid!’ Well, maybe not to that extreme but on broader knowledge and ability to discuss social-welfare, politics, or what had just been discover from newly found Maya’s village or who will feed hunger children in South Sudan over a cup of coffee.
Certainly, culture differences especially language which is a crucial tool to understand cultures. Thailand with the smile and all don’t even care to understand Chinese, Vietnamese, Malay, Myanmar even though there are plenty of people of these ethnics in the country. Thailand have been teaching English without specific purpose for as long as I could remember. General products of Thailand education would never proficient enough to learn to discuss of culture differences except for elites community rarely mix with general western visitors. The ‘resistance of learning foreign language by design’ had played a big part in Thai-Westerner Relationship.
I am sure there are exception to the rule couples out there. Exception to the rule, fearless, relentless are required to get into and to be in Interracial Relationships!
Great comment from the perspective of an open minded Thai man! You touched on quite a few points that had not been brought up before. And you give hope to western women that a good and equal relationship with a Thai Man is possible. Thanks for your contribution, it is appreciated!
Hi Born-Nirman
I can also open mind but if this need to be like a close my eyes and acepted a relationship with a thai man look me only for money , SORRY I PREFER TO BE ALONE FOREVER
Thanks mina!
Lara try to read. That is the opposite of wat born-nirman said. I know some couples farang girl – thai man that are doing very well and aren’t about money. Don’t be naive and you will see if it’s about money or not. Ofcourse it also depends on your own character.
Esther, thanks for seeing through what I was trying to communicate.
Lara, Thailand is a complexed society with muli-athnic and multi-culture within. Accents, postures and speech patterns are clear indications for people who were born and raised here to take first notice and place appropriate respective relations.
There are core values in any given society with alteration and adaptation members taken to enrich their survival skills and environment of their chosen. I am not saying that you should go ahead and buy love and passion. No one can ever do it successfully unless they are confused between comfortable pleasure for love, passion and understanding.
Relationship is a beautiful thing and it can happen without being tainted by superficial things being materials money or otherwise.
Please don’t give up before you fine what you really looking for. Cheers!
Earlier I wondered why I keep coming back to this site… But I actually really enjoy reading about people’s viewpoint!! Very interesting and insightful. Thanks 🙂
What an interesting discussion and conversation! I have been reading all of the comments with interest. I do not agree or disagree with any of the comments and can only provide my opinion on the matter 🙂 I have been living with my thai boyfriend for 7 months, he works in the tourist industry and we met at a bar (of course). He was married to a farang before and openly admits that it was for money to support his family.
I think it is true that you will find a lot more thai men and women from poorer and less economically well off areas are interested in farang people. Believe me if there were” wealthy” (as farang people are seen) thais pouring in looking for loso thai partners they would be much more interested in this option rather than being with a farang partner (male or female) however the option is NOT there. HiSo (high society) thais do not want to be with LoSo thais! It is like most cultures, not many educated, well-off people go out looking for a partner from a lower class, you want an equal relationship (similar education, income, values).
Of course Thai men and women still find farang people attractive, however money and opportunity is definitely a part of this. I do not think you will find many wealthy, educated thai’s interested in a relationship with a tourist passing though on holiday. However I am sure if you are a farang living, working or studying here maybe it has happened?? This is why the majority of thai/farang relationships in the tourist areas of thailand are with the thai’s who are more economically disadvantaged (bar girls/fire boys – the stereotypes).
Now onto thai men. I can only speak from my experiences of living here for the past 2 years, having said that after seeing the same thing over and over again it says something. Thai men find farang girls attractive, this is for many reasons – on islands like koh phangan and phi phi a constant flow of young, beautiful, unsupervised and drunk girls come on their exotic holiday. They meet a boy with good english (this is from chatting up girls on a day to day basis) who will generally work as a beach boy/fireboy/tattoo artist and fall for his charm. Some will decide to stay a little longer, work on the island and enjoy the island life. Not many of these relationships will last more than a couple of months if that (although some do).
Do not get me wrong, thai men can be fantastic company and are great fun, however it is very difficult for a relationship to last here. Farang girls are often a nice distraction from life! Well brought up Thai girls are very conservative and you will not find them partying or walking around in bikinis.
No No’s for a normal Thai girl in Thai culture are – lying in the sun, wearing revealing clothes, going out drinking, being loud, fraternising with random men.
If you are in a normal relationship with a thai man here – this is how he will expect you to behave. The thai men I know are attracted on a sexual and financial level to farang women – it is a lot more difficult to have a long lasting relationship due to the many many differences.
Believe me it takes a lot of work. Chok dee everybody
Charlotte, thanks for a really insightful and well thought out post here. You presented some facts that had not surfaced so far. I know from living in Thailand for well over a decade that you are spot on in your observations. Thanks for a really useful contribution!
Thai Men do like farang women 🙂
I think that Thai people don’t try to look in the future as much as westerners do (men or women), and live more by the day.
Thai women might think that western men will take care of living more than Thai men do.
Also western income seems to be attractive to asians, and education has also influence in this differences.
But love can be there and grow out to be something realy nice.
Thai=Asian whatever
I was born and raised in Holland, my parents are both Dutch.
Living for 7 years in Asia, Philippines 2.5 year, Thailand 4.5 years
Had vacations in HongKong, Malaysia, Cambodia, Laos.
Wish you all succes and happiness.
Carl
Thanks for your comment Carl, I appreciate your input and perspective.
I am looking @ this today because unexpectantly met a Thai man in Maine where I am from. And I want to learn more about them. I am 100% Canadian French and have loved different Cultures and have dated different cultures all my life, from American Indian to Hawaiian, Japanese , I lived in Hawaii 5 years in my early adulthood.(in Hawaii, white woman is cream of the crop I was told by my Japanese lawyer boyfriend.He must of been right, cuz I dated Chinese, Filipino, Hawaiian and was so intrigued by their cultures, I lost interest in the white man.)Anyway, I always noticed Thai woman to be beautiful, but never even thought about Thai men. I am 52 now, financially independent and loving my live. My Greek husband passed several years ago. I have never had a hard time finding men’s attention or finding a date when needed. And I only want friendship and companionship now. Not marriage. Anyway, I was shopping yesterday and noticed this very interesting looking man. There was something about him that struck me. He is a little smaller in size then me. I’m 5’4″, 160 lbs. He may be 5’5″ or my height and 145 lbs. I watched him look @ things attentively as he shopped, notice he did not have a ring on, and tried to guess his Nationality. I could not come up with anything. I thought maybe some Japanese, Korean mix. Maybe some Filipino. His skin was very dark. Finally I walked up to him and gave him and spoke to him a little bit. I found out he was from Thailand. I told him he looked very interesting and would like him to visit with me sometime if he was interested. He was a little surprized , but also charmed and flattered and said yes. So I gave him my phone number.I found him VERY HANDSOME. I never thought that about Thai men before. He called me this eve and had a translator friend also talk with me cuz his english not that strong. She said he was so happy to meet me and she has never seen him this happy before.(They work together in Thai resturant.)He was telling his story to everyone including customers how he met an American woman. How I approached him and how much it meant to him.Anyway, I guess I am writing cuz I read some of the stuff here and maybe things are changing for Thai men and Western woman…? He has only been here 5 years and I am very surprized his english is not better though. Maybe because he sticks to his own people here? I have meant a man from Iraq and a man from Haiti that learned wicked good english in 5 years already. Thank you for sharing my story. I can’t wait to see Kriang
Thais generally have a hard time learning English well. I have been all over Asia, and the Thais are some of the worst English speakers in the entire region. Some attribute this to the fact that they were never colonized by any outside power – I am not sure about that.
Thailand has a very class conscious social structure. Since Kriang works in a restaurant, which is not considered a high class job in Thailand (unless you are the owner of a successful restaurant), he would most likely see you as someone with higher social status. Therefore this would be surprising to him and would add to his status in the eyes of other Thais.
This social aspect is not so important in the US, but it plays a major role in relationships in Thailand. Relationships are not just based on mutual attraction, but on social status factors as well.
The fact that Kriang speaks so little English after 5 years in the US indicates to me that he is not very well adapted to American culture. Your friendship might turn out well, however you will most likely discover some areas where your way of thinking and relating differs considerably from his ways. This requires much patience and understanding. However with your history of multi-cultural relationships you should have plenty of experience in this regard. I wish you good luck with this.
I wish all woman to be like you. Glad to hear ! 🙂
Because Thai men like women who can take good care of them..since wake up until go to bed include other such as when couples work outside and then back home women still cooking, iron and clean the house while the man can lie down and rest with some cold beer ..Thai man can go out for drink with friends as women should stay in the house ..and Thai men will not accept at all if women want to be on the same level and shout at them ..not really!..this just some example!..
Dear Thai 98,
If that is your true perception of Thai men, it am really sad hear it.
Having once been an eligible Thai man whose quality you have described had never register my mind of how I would treat any women as such. I was growing up in a rural area of central Thailand, I am not sure where you were brought up, in a rather large family, My mother had 4 younger sisters and all. None of their husband treated their wives as you described with my mothers included.
Maybe it’s your perception or unfortunate personal experience but for whatever reasons, fueling myth is not only unfair to millions of Thai men out there. It also serve as an unjust service to outsider who seek the truth for possible meaningful relationship.
There are two sides of a given normal relationship. The rules, regulations, made known expectation can help guide relationship in direction that once wish for.
I am not denying that some of what you have said is not true but when we start to generalize and summed it up, especially, in issues relating to relationship whereby every minute components of who we as an individual are and how we apply our knowledge, believe, values and environmental flexibility.
I do not want to play a blame game and come out right and say that you know nothing about Thai men let alone relationship. Because it will take us away from a meaningful discussion.
But, I would to request that you kindly re-examine what exactly that make Thai a multi-cultures and multi-ethnics and multi-language hold itself rather well for at this current location for nearly 800 years now.
I happen to know a sizable group of of Thai men who treated their wives and girlfriends really well. They cook, clean, shop, helping with kids’ homework, take them out to places to ensure that they are important to their men and families, they talk to each others amongst guys how to come up with ideas to make their wives happy.
Question is how do you address your Thai man to let him know what your expectations.
Trick or forcing a man to watch Mr.Right Hollywood DVD and expect him to turn into Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Sylveter Stallone, Brad pitt, Achimedes, Galileo, Euclid, Andre Boccelli, Paverotti, Mozart, Buakoaw P. Pramuk and Jason Chen all in one the next morning that will never ever happen-Amen.
🙂
I began searching this topic after studying in Chiang Mai for several months. The article and the following discussion is very interesting and helpful.
I have found that many Thai men pursue me and are not shy in telling me they think I am beautiful – but I am 21 and the Thai men I meet are usually around my age also.
But I wonder is much of the attention young western women receive is because Thai men know a girl who’s traveling from abroad will be a lot more likely to have a one night stand with them then a local women? I’m sure it’s a large factor.
I have also traveled to the rural farming areas near Chiang Rai and the family of my then-boyfriend were very excited to meet me and many of the men from the area came to see me and seemed to find me attractive –
But as you’ve said I am young and thin so in 20 years I’m sure their excitement would ebb (but really, a 21 vs. a 41 year old – in any country it’d be the same).
The relationship mentioned above didn’t work out because of my ex-boyfriend’s drug use and how unstable he became when drinking, but in mentioning this I’m not trying to say these are typical traits of Thai men. Maybe I’m just qualifying my actions.
Now a few months on from that relationship I am seeing another Thai man and I feel very unsure about what is acceptable and the question of infidelity is weighing on my mind.
Coming from Australia I find it a very depressing and unacceptable concept that the man I love will inevitably cheat. But I also think maybe it is refreshing that it’s so out in the open here as men from Australia certainly cheat. But in many of the cases the girlfriend was completely unaware and then relationship would defiantly end if she’d found out.
But there hasn’t been much mention of women and infidelity – I’m sure it’s much more frowned upon for a Thai women to cheat, but they’re human and I’m sure they do, maybe not as much as women from other countries… And I can only speak from experience, so in Australia it’s a fair number. No, not as much as men – but it’s not uncommon at all.
But as I say I don’t know! I feel very unsure in how dating works here and I just don’t know the norms!
I guess if I have to accept that if I stay with a Thai man he’ll have other women, I would be happier if it was a spoken agreement. And that it was ok as long as it was always out of my face and if he was to do it he had to realize maybe I would too – but this is a way of conducting relationships that is very abnormal in more sexually liberal countries.
In any case it’s not really the ideal for me.
The man I’m seeing is a student at the fine arts university, a senior of mine and tells me he has no religion but his family is Buddhist so he must make them happy and speaks English very well. So he is not the typical Thai man. Perhaps this is why he is interested in a western women, as was mentioned before the younger generations are breaking from tradition.
I’m sorry to come with this, I know I am essentially asking for dating advice
Hi Ellen,
unfortunately drug use and alcohol abuse is very common in Thailand, especially among the less educated part of the population. Regarding infidelity, my advice is that you do not just accept it as a cultural norm, but have a frank discussion with your boyfriend and make it clear what would work for you and what would not.
As Bon-Nirnam in the post above yours pointed out, despite the general prevalence of infidelity in Thailand, there are still plenty of men who have committed and monogamous relationships. If this is what you want, talk to him and make it clear.
There are quite a few Thai women who would also not accept infidelity as well. Just because a majority of Thai men have a very casual attitude about this, does not mean that you have to accept it as a standard for your relationship.
I am sure that a good looking 21 year old women will never have problems finding a Thai boyfriend. However as you pointed out, you need to make sure that you are not just seen as an easy pick due to being a tourist. Instead you can put your values on the table and make it clear what your expectation of a relationship is.
Just because you are in Thailand does not mean that any dating has to be done by Thai standards exclusively. When I met my Thai wife (10 years ago), I made it very clear that I had no intention of doing everything the Thai way. My cultural background is just a valid. When two people from different cultural backgrounds have a relationship, they have to meet somewhere in the middle. Both have to adjust. It will never work if one partner totally accepts the other’s values, because this will lead to frustration and conflicts sooner or later.
My wife will always have predominantly Thai values, and I will always have predominantly western values. We have worked to establish an excellent relationship based on trust, respect, equality, and honesty. Neither of us would ever cheat on the other. It took us years to work out our different styles and values, but the result is the best relationship of our lives for both of us.
So it is possible to have a good relationship in Thailand. You don’t have to try to find out how dating works here and just follow this system. Don’t be shy about making it very clear what works for you what does not. If a Thai man wanted someone who is only following Thai values, they could easily pick a Thai girl. The fact that a Thai man engages in a relationship with you, means that they have to be willing to adjust to your values as well.
If you get the feeling that you are only seen an an easy pick-up, you may have to look for another man who sees more in you than an easy prey. You might have to educate the man as to what and who you are. They might just respect for that.
Ellen,
I just returned to Australia after ending my 3 month relationship with a Thai man. Although I doubt he cheated on me, there were a few strange circumstances regarding both farang and local women in which I am sure I caught him *about* to cheat on me, which made me realise that I would not be ok with infidelity, regardless of if it was agreed on.
My advice to you is to trust your gut. Not all Thai men will cheat, but unfortunately most will. Can you really accept infidelity is it’s agreed upon, or are you telling yourself this because you want the relationship to work? Don’t give up your own values. You already said it wasn’t ideal.
Thankyou Shama for the site!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks all for giving me some very useful reading to do on a subject that i have been dwelling on for a while.
I have been back and forth to Thailand for a while now and have noticeably accepted certain traits and behaviours of Thai people, due to my acceptance of different cultures and my willingness to learn. I have many Thai friends Male and female who have shown me beautiful sides of being human.
I am a female from the UK and recently met a younger Thai guy who clearly comes from this ‘new generation’ of changing old beliefs, and wanting to mix/procreate/commit to a western women. I think being a western women going to Thailand, you can easily get swept away by the ‘romantic’ aspects of how Thai men can treat you. It can be a beautiful experience, as Thai men can treat this experience as a raw, genuine courtship. The majority of women would love this type of attention. But getting down to the nitty gritty bits of being in a relationship, makes me question..”what am i doing?”
Yes, the communication is essential in ANY relationship, let alone not being able to express what your saying in the same language. I found this hard. Im a very expressing individual and not having someone who could not only understand me fully was hard, let alone someone who understands my sense of humour, and would debate with me on certain subjects. Saying this we still had extreme fun together and there is an underlying love and connection that has never left.
So, im left with a real pull towards my future due to my confusion. Do you go with someone who understands your cultures and language?or someone who shares an extreme love for you and who has to learn and adapt?? I think both are as important, and i think what it boils down to is Patience, how much patience do you have and are you willing to wait.
I totally agree with many of the views and opinions here decribing the different groups of thai status’s and also why some thai men go with western women. I have seen both types of Thai men.
Since leaving Thailand nearly 10 months ago, my Thai man has been in contact everyday since, willing me to come and live and start a family. So there are beautiful souls everywhere in the world, its just whether either one of you could adapt to live in either one of the countries you come from.
Maybe it is all about balance, if both parties can balance one anothers cultures/traditions and languages out, then maybe this the the key???
Just another observation also. I seemed to doubt the situation when i told my British family about my current boyfriend. This did not go down to well and people automatically started throwing around accusations and stereotypes. I did not need this input, and i felt it was an initial judgement about relationships in Thailand. What i needed was constructive conversation about how i felt this situation was.
Ive seen a few Western women now in Thailand with Thai babies and many looked very unhappy, i just didnt want to become one of those regretting my decision(Im sure many are not!!!!! just depends on expectations in life), instead of opting for the western boy????
I think we all know the answers to whether we are with the right person or not in life,needless to say whether their from Thailand or not. I suppose sometimes its just a matter of time to realise and see things abit more clearly. I know i love the Thai culture so much, i didnt want to get caught up with that passion and allow it to fog my ideas about the relationship.
Would love your comments on this,
Thanks people!!!Peace and Love.
Thanks, Jem, for your in depth contribution to this subject.
There is no doubt that cross cultural relationships have challenges over and above those that all relationships have anyway.
Many westerners do not understand the mindset of Thais very well, and when they get involved in a relationship, both parties see it in different ways and with different understanding. And then there is this entire money thing that enters the picture which can throw sand into the gears as well.
My advice is to always establish very clear and frank channels of communication, and discuss all the potential problem areas before they occur. It is better to try to prevent issues than fix them after the fact.
One thing is sure – it is possible to establish a wonderful relationship between a western and Thai person. I know this for a fact since I have done it. My Thai wife and I have an excellent relationship since 10 years, but it took us a lot of talking, and initial misunderstandings, and adjustments on both sides.
Now it is all so worth it. On the other hand I see many relationships where this clear communication is not happening, and the result is lots of conflict and misunderstanding. That’s why it is very important to have a Thai partner who speaks decent English, ideally has a decent education and has a solid financial footing. These factors help a lot in building a good relationship.
If there is a clear willingness on both sides to communicate, adjust, listen, and compromise, it can work. If this is not happening, it is often a source of big problems down the road,
Dear Jem,
Since I have gone through this road before as a Thai man who married to a western woman, I would like to share some of my experience that you may find it beneficial to your situation.
My wife, an American with ivy league school education who traveled to Thailand for a humanitarian related works. I was a local man employed by a local agency. We met through our working situation, dated, broke-up and reunited after we found living in separation was unbearable. My English was okay but obviously I wasn’t able to express how I feel about her the way Laurence Olivier or Ernest Hemmingway would and it was okay with her, too.
She was the only daughter of a well to do family. Knowing that there were certain things expected out of her in regarding to marriage, she prepared to face the situation and asked that I understand what we need to do. She was ready for new life with good job situation in the US, I possessed technical skills that could land decent jobs but needed to go school to improve both my English and for professional advancement.
My wife declined any help from the family knowing that could come string attached-condomenium and car but we have to live near her parent. At her suggestion and we both agreed, we move to live together on the other side of the country (her parent in Florida, we moved to California). In a new place for both of us where we believe noone will scrutinize us. Yes, we have that luxurious. I am quite a fighter on my own for I believe anywhere in the World are the some for me. I agree to move to California to protect my wife from being bother by things she doesn’t want to deal with.
We managed to move on from living in Studio to 2-bedroom Apt., and eventually bought a single home of our own.
Through out the years several Asian-Wester couples not limited to Thais have came to us for advise with some parents even asked to come and stay with us to see how things work. We felt like our house was Interracial Experimental Lab at times but glad to be part of it.
My wife is a very strong will woman, a realist and non-materialistic person so that help us out a great deal.
Not all couples that we have played in part for their union ended up happy forever thereafter. Understanding what your boyfriend will face and for him to truly understand culture differences and other people perception is very important but to use that as a knowledge rather than allow it to be a deterrence. Not easy I know. But this is what beautiful about relationship of two people who are really in love.
Culture differences is most common cause of those relationships. Lovers often omit section of ‘what will you do if…’ in there conversion during courtship. How To Catch The Right Guy typically don’t cover that either as it perceived as unromantic agenda.
We knew that we love each other but where do we want to see ourselves, our kids and our family in our community and in society is very important in setting a long term goal.
Understand the situation and the community you live in as well as accepting realistic potential of you and your boyfriend and set realistic goal is all I can say.
Best of luck to you!
Thanks, Bon-Nirnam, for sharing your personal story with us! I had never expected my original article to turn into a real relationship forum. So many people have contributed valuable information, and you are one of the main contributors!
As a Thai guy who preferred Western girls , i’d say Its not that i don’t go for Western girls but it just that i never got a chance to even get in contact with one.
To be honest, it would be narcissistic to assume that Western girls are into me since i’m not one of those dark skinned type of Thai guys. frankly speaking i’m quite attractive in the eyes of Asians (including Thai females) .
I never had issues with girls since the time i was in high school or university but the problem is that i’m not really into Thai or Asian Girls. I guess maybe its because of their conservative nature that i despise unlike their western counterpart which seemed to be more open minded and more free-willed. i have dated several Thai girls and an occasion of other Asian race. however, i only go out with one girl at a time and i don’t intend to have a mistress in the future. i somehow have this mindset thing about me feeling “dishonored” if i ever cheated on someone. So, please don’t assume that all Thai guys will cheat on you . I have Thai friends that will cheat on their relationship and ones that will never cheat on theirs. it’s a thing that varies between person to person …NOT A CULTURAL THING.
As much as i would love to try out a relationship with a Western girl, i have to abandon my hope and accept the harsh reality as i am not physically attractive to them.
Lastly, a bit of an advice .. Tourist areas are full of scammers and opportunists ( altho, i believe there’re some good people mixed up in it too ) …. but be careful
I am well aware that not all Thai men cheat on their partners. But you have to admit that the concept of ‘second wife’, ‘mianoi’, is culturally much more accepted in Thailand than in most western countries. Just the fact that there is a word for it in the Thai language means that IT IS a cultural thing. If you mention ‘second wife’ to a German or American, they don’t even know what you are talking about. If you mention it to a Thai, every single one of them knows exactly what you are talking about.
I agree that tourist areas are full of opportunists and can be difficult places to find a good partner. However one thing I really disagree with you about is that your looks diminish your chances with a western woman.
First of all in general women are less into looks than men. They just don’t look at your physical features as the primary factor for a potential relationship. And if they do, you probably would want to stay away from this one anyway.
You have a lot about you that would make you attractive to a western woman. Obviously your English is perfect, you prefer the monogamous life style, you seem to be an educated person with a good ability to communicate, and most likely you understand the western way of thinking much better than most Thais, or at least you would be able to relate to it very quickly.
In my mind these are all things that would make you quite attractive to a western woman. They are mostly afraid of all the things that you DO NOT represent, like a Thai man who cannot communicate, who has no intention of sticking with one woman, and who cannot relate to western ways of thinking at all. So maybe you should give yourself some more credit.
Mianoi, Second wife or the latest one ‘gik’.
I wonder what are, really, the differences between those three and Mistress, Confidant and committed other female Companion in Western society which we all knew the do exist.
Is it because the term Second or Minor that really bother Westerners?
For all we knew numbers of Western men and women do participate in outside marriage relationships. I have 30 years of living in Western society experience and have witness such practices.
I know two wrongs didn’t make it right.
But is ‘fear of becoming second wife’ really the main obstacle of Thai Men and Western Women Relationship? I doubt it.
Here is my take on this: I don’t think that ‘fear of becoming a second wife’ is a factor at all since no western woman would ever accept such a scenario anyway. What is probably a big factor is that western women would worry about the Thai man cheating on them since this is so common in Thailand.
And yes, just the term ‘mianoi’ goes against all cultural values of western women and it really irritates them as I have found out in many conversations with western women who are visiting Thailand.
As you say, relationships outside of marriages are happening in other countries just as well. But there they try to hide them for the most part, whereas in Thailand it is so much part of the social fabric that for the most part it is all plainly visible. Western women don’t like this for sure. They see it as a perversion or as an abuse.
Another major factor which is an issue for western women is the difficulty of knowing what the Thai man is really thinking. Westerners are not used to keeping their feelings and emotions well hidden away. You can read them much more easily. Thais (and other Asians) are experts at keeping their true feelings and emotions well hidden.
Cheating goes on everywhere, but it is not blatantly flaunted or widely accepted everywhere like in Thailand.
My wife is building a house and she told me that neighbors (who don’t know me) are gossiping that she is the mianoi (second wife) of a farang (foreigner).
When I asked my wife why they don’t assume that she is married to a farang, she said that people assume that mianois have more money than actual wives. Second wives are paid to be second wives whereas first wives have to carry the burden of the household and children. This is why a lot of Thai women prefer to be second wives, which is a lot easier and more lucrative job. That’s Thai thinking…
I am in deep love with a massage girl who also say to me that she also love me but there is some serious problem in our relationship that she want to use money in massage business but for me as a indian man its going to hell and sucide because I can sleep without food but can not accept my love do massage now I am in dilemma and I cannot sleep unless she sleep and slowly and slowly I am sick pls help me guys
I am not sure what the problem is exactly. Massage can be a very honorable profession. My wife is a massage therapist as well, as am I. Now if you are talking about massage as a thinly disguised way to practice prostitution, that’s of course another story.
But if this woman is a real massage therapist who makes her living with it without engaging in selling her body along with it, then I don’t see any problem with this.
If however she is selling her body along with her massage sessions, then you are probably in love with the wrong girl, and you are most likely looking at lots of trouble ahead of you.
Very lively and spirited debate.
As an Asian man of a neighbouring SEA country, I must say white girls do it for me (in terms of communication, mindset, outlook on life etc.) However, having been brought up in a predominantly English speaking family in Asia and being exposed to and indulgent in a general western lifestyle probably had a bit to do with it.
There are many things I agree about in your thread, regarding the general invisibility of many western women above the age of 30 trying to source/find potential mates in Thailand. I have been going to LOS, both for business and holidays, for the better part of yee-siip pii, phuut thai dai, khao jai khon thai, and have heard of this complaint on and off like a bad broken record. The emancipation of the western woman in general has turned a lot of western men bitter to their (again, I said A LOT OF, NOT ALL) female counterparts, which has to some degree, resulted in the high rate of divorce in many western countries, with the slant in favour of the female (take him to the cleaners as they say). Hence, the exodus to LOS to find potential partners. There are whole towns in ISAAN whose very mantra is to find khun farang for the house, car and 2 water buffaloes (khwaai as they say in phasaa thai, and i mean the real animals, not the derogatory term for you know what).
This, however, does not paint all western women in a bad light, in my opinion, and also would depend very much on the individual: their upbringing, social standing in life, their willingness to COMPROMISE and most important their age/experience. A younger western female is more likely to be more willing to experience a different ethnicity for the excitement and novelty of it, whereas one that has been through a few bitter divorces might be just looking to ‘settle’ as menopause approaches – however, being invisible in thailand surely doesn’t make things any easier. I meet western women in my own country quite frequently, but those above 35 (or so it seems), seem to be generally quite invisible, and judging from the attitudes of some, rightfully so. As sharma said, once dem looks go, that’s it baby – your personality ain’t winning you any friends. Sometimes you have to call a spade a spade, and perhaps a little attitude adjustment, realignment of expectations and appreciation of male psyche (whether western or asian) might be the dealbreaker in being lonely or not.
As for the thai woman/western woman debate, well, I must also agree with the level of drama that thai girls in general possess when in a relationship with them. I should know – I have been in a few, and like someone else said, the crying, the possessiveness and jealousy, the materialism sometimes can be a bit much, however, the positives such as their effervescence, their joie de vivre, ‘naam jaai’ and compassion never cease to amaze me. The western girl, on the other hand, brings about generally an openness, an adventurous spirit, an inquisitive mind (sorry if you’re from new zealand) and a frankness, that can either sometimes be refreshing, or downright arrogant. Take your pick.
All in all, a stimulating debate worthy of more exploration and input. Again, let’s all agree to disagree.
sharma – jerr thii chiengmai pai kiin bia kan noh?
Thanks for your well thought out contribution. There is a lot of truth in it and clearly you have a lot of experience to back it up. Not everyone will agree with me, or with you, but that’s the nature of a good debate. We can all learn a lot by hearing so many different perspectives, and yours certainly is a good one.
Let me get my wife to help a bit with the Thai translation to make sure I get it right:)
p.s. watch ‘cowboys in paradise’ on youtube
I will do that, thanks for the tip.
Any reason my post not included? The one of 24th february?
I have to approve everyone’s first post. After this one everything will post immediately without approval, as long as you use the same email address. That’s necessary to keep the spammers out. Sometimes it takes me a while to approve a first post since I am running and maintaining several websites with active blogs and forums. But now YOU ARE IN:)
No worries mate, just thought it had not gotten through – was unaware it was pending vetting.
You in chiengmai for songkran? or you escaping the utter madness – i might be there and if so, will be staying at the montri.
You got that one right – “utter madness” – Chiang Mai is the only place in Thailand where Songkran lasts for a full week. Actually it is not just Songkran, March and April are so hot and so polluted because of the agricultural burning season that it is not fun at all to be there during that time. And I am not – I really like Chiang Mai, except for those two months, and I generally spend them elsewhere, like in the south of Thailand or in Malaysia.
Well intresting article. I live in South-East Asia for 7-years and work for big world organization. I been with many girls in my lifetime and I think i paid for sex only once. Guys are guys all over the world, there are no limitis what they like ,what they dont like. There are guys who likes more black woman than caucatian, asian more than black, caucatian more than asian etc. But in overall the taste is same and we like to try different. There is no law from where are you from… I know Thai guys who really like western woman and who dosent. I know western guys who likes Asian womans and who dosent. It is same…
It is not the point here, like or not like. There are other factors. “What girl want from men”!? Girl want a man who is strong, man good in sex, sucessful, who can talk, nice looking, protect her….
The Thai guys are bit to soft, not as Western guys. So Western girls are not much intrested in Thai guys. My ex gf and my brother gf came from Europe in Asia, and their tipical comment was “there are no guys in Asia”. The Thai guys they know this inside themselves, so this is why they dont approach to Western girls. It is true in Bali that you see more Balinese with Western girls, but dont forget Bali is an Island and there are many rich Balinese. Money breaks all the rules and makes man look stronger. You are Thai, Western, Balinese or who ever, “you have money you are the king”.
One more thing to add. Western guys are not always in “win-win situation”. Western girls will go before for Latina guy than Western.
I think this article is pretty accurate. As a Western woman in Thailand I am invisible. I am pursued by many men in other Asian countries, but not here. I think language is a problem, also Thai men (most men) want submissive women and Thai women are good at least at pretending to be so. I don’t think they are sweet particularly, possibly on the surface. There are always exceptions of course, but having known men involved with them, I know they have their ruthless side and when upset they will scream and be abusive – I have witnessed this. Not directed at me, thankfully, but not pleasant to be around. Bangkok is full of Thai women in hot pants looking for a walking farang wallet. One Western guy I knew said it almost impolite not to have a woman in Thailand, they pursue you until you give in.
For me, I have abandoned any idea of a relationship with an Asian man, culturally we are too different and unless they have been educated in a Western country, they generally have no idea what I am talking about. They may understand the words, but the concepts are just not processed.
That’s true Mel, that’s the issue many times. You might say certain words, but for you the meaning is different than for the Thais. They hear a different story in their minds. That is often an additional challenge in such relationships.
I met a Thai man in August this year, even though we have kept in touch with each other since ive been home I feel I’m doing most of the work he’s a very nice man but I’m finding it hard to have a conversation with him( he speaks good english)so my question is what should I do about it I’ve booked to go back next year with a lot of help from my Thai friend) but unless I contact him he doesn’t bother? Why is this? Please repky. Thank you.
Loraine, this is very difficult to answer since it is a highly personal situation. I could only speculate what might be going on, but I make no claims that I am right.
One issue is often that in spite of communicating in the same language, the concepts are often not understood in the same way by both parties. His interpretation might be quite different from yours.
The other issue is, and this is a generalization which might not apply to your situation, that Thai men often do not feel any obligation to be faithful to one woman. They might say so, but act quite differently, since the concept of “mianoi” (second wife) and “gig” (extramarital or extra-relationship affairs) are so pervasive in Thailand.
One of the greatest things about Thailand is noticing that what is considered “hot” as far as western women don’t always get what they want in thailand, and they can’t act like their pooh doesn’t stink. I am not hating on western women but the whole everybody treats you like a princess thing isn’t going to happen here, sorry…
My thoughts – some – western women act like western men, they don’t have good manners, they eat too much, they drink to much, they dress too little, they lack some empathy and feminine touch.. that scares Thai men away and most western men notice how bad we really got it with some of the worst parts of the modern fem movement.
Now it’s totally possible for 2 people to fall in love, but in general a white women isn’t that attractive to Thais, they like very thin and small girls, and lets face it most western women are not that small, no man wants to date a women who is bigger than himself.
I know this as I find attractive a big butt and chest in a women, and my male thai friends burst out laughing at my choice of women walking by, and when they point out who they find attractive i laugh too because they like thai women i find not sexually attractive at all..
Western women, if you travelling cause you would like to meet people and be in demand, try CUBA or Jamaca where the men are more than happy to go out with a larger or more assertive women.. thai men can’t stand the bossy and sassy western women..
Now some readers will hate you and me for this, however there is some truth in what you are saying. My Thai wife tells me that Thai men generally prefer small skinny women, and they are definitely put off by outwardly assertive behavior.
There is no woman’s lib movement in Thailand since the women don’t find it necessary and they like to display their feminine side.
The fact that there is no feminism in Thailand like in some western countries doesn’t mean that everything is perfect as it is in Thailand. There is just as much abuse and cheating and domestic violence going on like anywhere else in the world, unfortunately.
And in spite the fact that there are relationships between western women and Thai men, and western women and Thai lovers, they are still the minority, and most Thai men prefer Thai women.
Now – here come the exceptions: In areas where the Thais are very much used to western tourists or expats you will find more Thai man-western woman relationships. The same applies to big cities like Bangkok and Chiang Mai, and especially in the more educated levels of society where communication is easier and minds can be more open.
But even in those scenarios, from my perspective as someone who is living in Thailand, the vast majority of relationships are still western man-Thai woman.
I would like to share my experience in Thailand for the past 4 years. I have lived in the South as well as the North. I have never had a hard time with meeting thai men, from all walks of life. Educated.. to bar tenders and fire dancers to scuba instructors. I have even had police men flirt with me and tell me how beautiful I am. Let me tell you I am NOT petite like a thai girl. I am not big either. I am definitely curvy with big breasts and big brown eyes and light brown hair. I have never felt like i cant get a man here and i even have thai woman tell me i am beautiful. I dont consider myself a model beauty, I dont have a perfect body but thai men do like me. In the south and in the north were I am now and where i met my thai husband. Who had never been with a farang lady before despite speaking good english, coming from a family that has always been in the tourist industry and that has a business that he managed part of it. But he never had a western lady until me, most of his friends are all married to western woman and his brothers date western woman and would like to settle down with one. He said he did find western woman attractive but he saw too many woman do too many “slutty things” to easily that it put him off. So he never had an opportunity to meet a decent western lady not being wild on holiday and none of hisbwestern friends that he coñnected with. (Until me of course) as i was working as an english teacher when we met. Now my point is 90% of the woman i know living here in CM are married to lovely thai men. Some of them were trekking guides, some are still, some own bars or guesthouses. Many of my husbands friends are weĺl educated with english degrees, economic degrees and the works. Some are not but are still good people. None of these men saw their wives as an ATM Machine, they met because of the industry they work in because they socialise with foreign as well as thai people. They met their other halves because they connected just like it happens anywhere in the world. Situations, circumstances being in the right place at he right time thats how you meet people. My husband and i started a guesthouse together as a partnership together.We put our blood, sweat and tears into our business together. I am very opinionated and vocal and strong about what ever it is i feel that needs addressing and yes sometimes it is a challenge for my husband who prefers to keep it inside but we respect each other for it and he has never asked me to change. Any multi cultural relationship is challenging but i think time has now passed for people to stop stereotyping and generalising. Joe you cant speak for thai men. I am bossy and sassy and my thai man handles me way better than any western man from my past. Every man is not the same it really depends on circumstance, how people have been brought up and what people have been exposed too.
That’s a very interesting comment, one which we haven’t really had so far. I mean that you know lots of western women who are married to Thai men. I wonder if that’s something which goes largely under the radar compared to the multitude of western man-Thai woman relationships out there, or if things are gradually changing. I wrote this article quite a few years ago, and things in Thailand are developing and changing. Anyway, thanks for your perspective.
as a blue eyed, pale blonde teen who goes to Thailand almost every year, last summer I started to really understand the impression I gave off in terms of my body language. I have always found thai and Indonesian men attractive as appose too western men, and I worked out that a simple five second smile can sometimes send out the wrong signals. On the quiet side of the island I was pestered by a group of older thai men after I approached one of them for conversation one day. It was late at night when I was offered alcohol (which I refused) and the question ‘where is your papi?’ was continually asked. I removed myself from the situation. however the next day one of the men directed me onto the edge of a peer where I was completely alone with just him – being naïve at this point. he asked for my number and told me to come back at midnight ect; remember that this thai man was in his 40’s-50’s I at the time was only 15. again I removed my self from the situation and found other men had been waiting at the end of the peer- and by the way I never felt threatened by any of them but just pestered.
then when i left for another island i always out of interest went to smile and glance for a period of time at thai men who I found attractive – i was mostly approached by older thai men. younger thai men would sometimes be shy and get their other male friends to have a good look at me, however when i go to places like bali i got pestered and approached by younger men a lot more!
anyway it was definitely a life lesson and i wouldn’t put my self in that position like i did last year again as im only young – i thought it was an interesting view point. im still not exactly sure how i would approach a thai man without sending out the wrong signals!
Well, that’s just a common scenario in Thailand that older men go after the young girls. On the flip side, often young Thai women are actively seeking out those “sugar daddies” since this is a convenient way for them to get some extra money or a new phone, bike, car or apartment or whatever depending on the economic situation of the man.
You are doing the right thing by extracting yourself from such situations. You never felt threatened, but this may change when you run into the wrong crowd. I guess you have to be quite discerning with your smiles.
i think thai men are generally not interested in foreign women, maybe because thai men prefer relationship with men as well. i have seen so much men into men coming from thailand. their fellow countrymen’s beauty is unexceptional
like the boys from korea but then the guys in korea i think is more still on women. it’s just that korean guys are like androgenous looking or whatever. thai men get attracted to same thai men basically like waht you said in that they prefer the thai beauty. so i think they just mirrored their self to same men. the i love myself theory. if there’r such ??
Here is my take…I live in Chiang Mai, highly educated and am over 40 and slim and thought of as very pretty. I have been approached by all kinds of men. My first Thai boyfriend…the language barrier ended that quickly….to much misunderstanding, the 2nd came to me after we had been together 5 times and said he had a wife and a baby!!!! I was shocked and hurt, and the current 3rd I am debating the break-up due to his extreme jealousy and trying to control me and question me about any man or boy who talks to me or I happen to talk to or be friends with. All 3 were however, amazing lovers, hence my interest. (and which I never knew or imagined would be true!)
My current Thai boyfriend pays for me, checks on me about eating and what I need however he is so clingy. He wants to spend every night with me however I prefer to have my alone time, he questions everything I do, and I am a very trustworthy person. He told me he loved me after 2 weeks and asked me to be his girlfriend. He has proceeded to push thru every boundary I have tried to set and unfortunately I despise confrontation and the language barrier makes it too exhausting to try anymore. Now I am trying to figure out how to break up with him in simple terms so he can understand. Regardless I have no idea how he will act as 4 well meaning people who dated Thai men told me they were stalked, or even hit and pestered for over a year after they broke up with their Thai man. Certainly a high grasp of the same language would be helpful, as well as patience and each persons commitment to the relationship. I wasn’t trying to have a boyfriend, he kinda pulled me in…but after having to fight for even 1 day away from him I am to tired to proceed. I hope this dosent turn into a nightmare for me and he moves on gracefully. I had some fun and still admire Thai men but think I will stick to my animal furry friends for awhile. Cross cultural and linguistic relationships take a lot of work and there needs to be a high level of commitment and mutual benefit to make it work. However if anyone does not respect your boundaries and treats you like you are a possession regardless of culture its time for them to be gone.
Jealousy, clinginess, and control are issues which are fairly common in Thailand. They do of course exist all over the world, but in Thailand there seems to be a higher percentage of such occurrences. I think that this is probably due to the fact that an open-minded, equal, trusting, monogamous, and deeply connected relationship is often a concept that the Thais are just not familiar with.